Dr Oz and Wife Lisa’s 5 Tips For Lasting Love

Dr. Oz: 5 Tips for Lasting Love, Health, and Happiness

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The handsome 51-year-old Dr. Mehmet Oz—bestselling author, TV personality, and renowned heart surgeon—struts into the studio for his SHAPE cover shoot and greets his wife, Lisa, 48, a mother of four and herself the author of a bestseller, with a kiss and a tight squeeze. The spark of excitement between them is palpable even after 26 years together. “I’ve always thought Lisa was sexy,” says Dr. Oz. “I brag about her all the time. “

 They even “met cute” in a charming spin on an old-fashioned arranged marriage. Their parents introduced them when Lisa was in college and Mehmet was attending medical school. They dated for six months before deciding to tie the knot, and got married two and a half years later.
If, like us, you’re asking, “Can this marriage really be so storybook perfect?” Lisa sets the record straight. “No relationship is flawless,” she says. “But if you’re committed and willing to put the work in, it can thrive.” Despite a quick courtship, two over-the-top busy careers, and four energetic kids, the Ozes remain stronger than ever, which means they have plenty to teach the rest of us about how to keep a marriage humming—not to mention healthy. So whether you’re looking for love, starting the first blush of a romance, or in it for the long-term, their time-tested advice will help you build a better partnership.
1. Focus on the Positive

Lisa is the first to admit that the yellow brick road in the land of Oz has had its bumps. “We’re pretty much like any other couple,” she says. “We fight—a lot—and there are times when we’re bored with each other.” Her solution? Remember what you love about your spouse, not what irritates you. “Whenever he’s doing something that’s driving me crazy, I think about one of his traits I absolutely adore,” she says. “For example, I’m insatiable when it comes to being with him, so my main complaint is that we never have enough time together. The positive side of that is I love how open and available he is to other people who need him.”2. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

“Still, it’s important to remember that no matter how much you want to be with each other, you can’t satisfy all of your partner’s needs,” says Dr. Oz. For years I wanted Mehmet to work less and play with me more,” says Lisa. After initially blaming him for her own boredom, it finally dawned on her that she had to create her own bliss. “I’ve come to realize you can’t sit around and wait for the other person to do the things you want to do. If you want him to be more romantic, be more romantic yourself. In other words, light your own damn candles!”
3. Share Your Passions

Living a healthy lifestyle was something the couple bonded over from the get-go. A vegetarian since she was 15, Lisa incorporates brightly colored, plant-based foods into every meal she makes. “I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful chef,” says Dr. Oz, who eats fish and poultry when he’s away from home. “Lisa makes the food playful and tasty.” She also introduced her husband to trainer Joel Harper, who works with them together and individually. To get their four kids—Daphne, Arabella, Zoe, and Oliver—excited about exercise when at a young age, the family invented the Oz Olympics, which highlighted each of their abilities. “Some were better at throwing balls, some were faster at running,” says Lisa. “So Mehmet developed game-like competitions where each child could win a medal. That’s how we spent many evenings when they were little.”

 4. Show Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T
No matter how head over heels you are in the beginning of your courtship, eventually you’re going to discover that relationships are hard work. “You’re super-attentive and sweet to each other at first,” says Lisa. “But after a few years, it’s easy to forget to say things like ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’ Sometimes you’re nicer to a complete stranger than you are to your spouse!” Empathy and thoughtfulness are key to getting through tough times together, says Dr. Oz. “It’s difficult to love someone you don’t respect, which is hard to remember when you’re having an argument. Lisa knows how to push my buttons. She doesn’t do it on purpose, but it happens. Then we fight and make up.”
5. Get Physical
And that’s where the sex comes in. “My prescription for sex…” Dr. Oz begins, “…is to have it as often as possible!” finishes Lisa, laughing. The Ozes strongly believe in keeping the home fires burning brightly. In fact, says Lisa, “that’s a perfect metaphor. It’s much harder to reignite a flame once it’s dead. You have to make intimacy a regular part of your life.” So how often does the doctor recommend a couple get busy? “Two to three times a week,” he says. (Lisa says six, but who’s counting?) Besides the pleasure factor, says Dr. Oz, “sex helps you live longer. It’s been scientifically proven that twice a week equals three more years of life.” ’Nuff said!

How Did My Wife Get So Unhappy With Me

When Your Wife Wants A Divorce

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You aren’t alone. Can you believe that over one million marriages will end in divorce this year, 70% of those divorces are initiated by women? Has your wife told you she is not “in love with you anymore” ?  Has she stopped being affectionate?  Does it seem as if you can’t make her happy and she is talking about separation or divorce? How did my wife get so unhappy with me?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren’t responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun…  empty promises, not getting things done around the house, helping out with the kids, having enough together time, or pointing out that you used to do this and that and now you never do those things any more – you know what I am talking about – the complaints, critiques, complaining, nagging, etc. Unfortunately, when women complain, men retreat, withdraw, pull away which only makes things worse.

After years and years of trying to improve things, she will eventually believe that nothing will change and she will start to withhold all that love and relationship caretaking you have been receiving. She ends up believing that there’s absolutely nothing she can do because everything she’s tried hasn’t worked. That’s when she begins to think about leaving you behind and considers the possibility of a divorce. She believes you won’t change. Now, she is really unhappy with you!

This did not happen overnight. It took years for your marriage to get to this point. You are not alone when you begin to see that things are really bad between the two of you. It will seem like she just became unhappy all of a sudden. I just want you to realize that it took years to get like this. She has been unhappy for years. She has been trying in her own way to let you know that.

While she’s planning her escape, she will no longer try to improve your relationship. She won’t put any effort into the relationship at all. That is why you won’t be aware of this huge problem. You might even believe that since she has stopped nagging or complaining that everything is okay.  That is not true. She will be merely surviving until she is able to take the next big step towards divorce.  That’s why, when she finally breaks the news to you about divorcing, you will be shocked and fearful of losing her.

Then, even when you start changing – she won’t believe it will last, it’s often too late. The same wall  she built around her heart that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing your genuine willingness to change. The relationship is hanging off a cliff and you will want to take the right action to save your marriage. Take the right action and be consistent.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don’t give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. Men are wired to make their wives happy. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible at the time. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Teach him to love you once you see he is trying. You are not the same woman that started out with him. You have grown and are more certain than ever before about the kind of marriage you wants. Divorce causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes years to heal from a divorce and an enormous amount of energy to face each day.

If you’re a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She’s working hard to make your love stronger. Not only that but you will find the information you need in her complaints to take action to make her happy. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she’s the most important thing in the world to you.

Don’t panic. Don’t  become frozen. Take steps towards change. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she had hope deep inside that you would change, you can turn your marriage around. Remember she chose you in the first place for great reasons. If you need help – let me know. I will be happy to help you with this.

When You Find Out There Has Been An Affair

“Now what?” A guide to surviving an affair

Did you recently discover that your partner cheated on you?  Or, have you been struggling for some time to move your relationship beyond an infidelity?

Surviving an affair isn’t easy. In fact, the process of healing from an affair is a bit like being kicked in the gut – it is terribly painful and you aren’t sure it will ever stop hurting.  Finding out about the affair is like an out of the blue incoming threat that is foreign to you and has taken up residence inside your mind and every single moment you keep thinking about all the questions without answers and what it all means for your relationship. It is difficult to breathe.

At the same time, many couples do push through.  And many couples say that after the hard years of healing, their relationship ends up even stronger in the end.

How do they do it? How can you and your partner heal after whats happened?

Here’s a brief guide for surviving an affair. 

Stage 1: Allow yourself to mourn the loss of what was.

Breathe. Hearing of a partner’s infidelity can knock your breath away. Sit in a comfortable chair and, if you feel like it, let yourself cry.  You’re grieving a huge loss —  the loss of trust in your partner’s sexual faithfulness. The loss of the type of relationship you thought you had. The loss of the person you thought your partner to be. The loss of the future you were both working towards. You may experience all these losses and more or just one of them. No matter what the loss is significant for you and the best thing to do is to begin mourning the loss.

And then, go for a walk.  Get outside. Change your scenery. Processing difficult emotions takes energy, and it’s important to see the world around you and remind yourself that life has ups and downs, highs and lows,  even though at the moment you feel devastated, this is not going to last forever. Try to take a break from all of your thoughts that just keep spinning around in your head.

Stage 2: Better yourself, Nurture yourself, Don’t compare

It is by no accident you chose each other. Just take that in for a moment. That doesn’t mean you are immune from affairs. It does mean that you will want to work on parts of yourself to enhance who you are, not to believe you are not enough. This is a time to build up your confidence and belief in yourself. Think about who you have both become in the marriage. Nurture yourself in ways that are gentle and helpful to you. Lastly, don’t compare yourself to the other person nor let that person take up space in your head. They are not you. Get back into that place of being you. Keep looking at who you have become and what has the marriage become.

Stage 3: Learn the skills you’ll need to talk things through

As you move forward, you’re going to need to want to avoid being stuck in this painful place. Eventually you will want to really explore the relationship with your partner.  Here’s the key though – you are way more likely to be successful if you find a way to have better communication.  Are you able to listen and hear each other. Can you talk together without the conversation getting overheated?  Can you create some healthy boundaries so you don’t keep experiencing more and more hurt. Can you talk without either of you getting defensive?  Can you make decisions together about your new path together that feels mutually satisfying or do your decisions include someone or both of you feeling like you’re going to have to do a lot of compromising? Put the emphasis on the changes you can make that will transform the marriage.

Stage 4: Lay the foundation for rebuilding and repairing.

After an affair, most people find it essential to get all of the facts out on the table. Telling and hearing the truth can be painful, like ripping off a band-aid. Still, healing is easier if your partner is able to handle the feelings of guilt and shame enough to level with you fully.. Lies can put a stick in the wheel of recovery. Realize too that you will have the burning need to know more. You will exhaust yourself and keep the gap growing between you if you keep needing more info and believing that there is more still to uncover.

It’s important also to try to put the third party totally out of the picture. What steps is your partner taking to make that happen? Are they stuck and not taking this action? Are they trying to be transparent?

With the truth out, and the threat removed, your conversations now can focus on connecting. You both need to understand what were the steps leading up to the infidelity, and what roll you each played.

You might ask, “If I’m the victim, why should I have to look at what I did? This wasn’t my fault!”

That’s true. At the same time, for a full recovery, the more both of you learn about what you did or didn’t do that impacted what happened, and therefore how to prevent this in the future, the more quickly you both will heal. Simply blaming your partner will keep you locked in eternal turmoil.

As difficult as it may sound, surviving an affair depends on both you and your partner growing, connecting,  and learning from the experience.

Stage 5: Create something new and better.

Just surviving isn’t aiming high enough. You can create a new, stronger, more loving, more trusting relationship than you ever had. Together, you can transform your mistakes into opportunities for creating something brand new. Create new patterns in your relationship that correct the mistakes that led up to the infidelity. Develop your connection, grow in your ability to understand each other and fulfill those human needs that we all have to feel safe, secure, and loved in a relationship.

Mourn your loss. Look at who you became. Learn new skills. Lay a new foundation. Create a new path and direction for the relationship.

Marriage Problems Need Fixing

Source: (c) photography33 www.fotosearch.com

Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.

I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marriage problems.  When couples first contact me for marriage help, they typically feel distressed and even hopeless about their relationship. If they can look back and remember earlier good times however, that usually signals a marriage that can be saved.  In fact, this kind of marriage has potential to become the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, “I do.”

What transitions couples from desperation about their difficulties to delight in sharing their lives together?  Here’s the 8-step pathway along which I guide my therapy clients, and which you are welcome to take as well.

1. Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements, including the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing.

Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues, and also have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

If the list seems interminable because you fight about everything from time of day to where to live, odds are the problem is less that you are facing some challenging differences, and more that your manner of talking with each other needs a major upgrade.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself.  Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness.  No one likes being told they’re doing things wrong or, far worse, that they are a bad person.   Better by far for both of you each to use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

Here’s a question that can get you started.  What would enable you to stay loving and good-humored even if the frustrating pieces in your spouse’s repertoire never get an upgrade?  That’s how to become “self-centered” in the best sense.  If both of you are seeking to do your own upgrades, the marriage will blossom.

3. Cut the crap (Pardon please my language).  The point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful.  It only taints a positive relationship.  That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks, …. get it?

No more anger escalations either.  Stay in the calm zone.  Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated.  Learn to calm yourself,  and then re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5 to 1.  Do you want to barely survive?  Or do you want to save the marriage in a way that will make it thrive?  If thriving is your goal, aim for 100,000,000:1.  That means, don’t sling mud at all.  Cut the crap.

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively.  A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following four sentence-starter options.  In my clinical work I call these “the pink sheet.” I hand it out (printed on pink paper) to couples for them to use in  discussions on topics that they know could be prickly.

I feel (followed by a one-word feeling such as anxious, sad, etc) …

My concern is ………..

I would like to … [note, NEVER use “I would like you to ….”]

How would you feel about that?  or, What‘s your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively.  I call collaborative decision-making the “win-win waltz.”

The goal of win-win is a plan of action that pleases you both.  No more aiming to “get your way.”  Instead, when you have differences, express your underlying concerns, listen to your partner’s concerns, and create a solution responsive to all the concerns of both of you.

Practice this skill on all the issues you listed in step 1.  You may be amazed at how even on the issues that seemed so intractable you really can find solutions that will work for both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger are deal-breakers.  They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage.  Game over.

If you are indulging in one of these self-defeating and relationship-destroying habits, get help and get it out of your life.

If your spouse has these problems, saving this kind of marriage could be a mistaken goal.  Better to end a marriage than to tolerate these bad habits.  However, the ideal is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage, a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger and instead lots of love and trust.

So end the old marriage.  Build a new one with the same partner.

7.  Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner.

Smile more. Touch more. Hug more.  More “eye kisses.”  More sex. More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation.  More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past  you might have answered with “But…”. Listening is loving, especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what’s wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more.  Give more praise and more gratitude.  Do more fun activities together. Laugh and joke more, do new things and go new places together.

The best things in life really are free.  And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get.

I wrote above about Gottman’s 5:1 ratio.  Increasing the positives is every bit as important as decreasing negatives to hit a 100,000,000:1 ratio.

8. Look back at your parents’ marriage strengths and weaknesses.  Decide what you want to do differently.  

When people marry they bring along a recording in their head of how their parents treated each other, and also how they were treated by their parents.  These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships.  Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

Ready to get started?  Take this free marriage skills assessment. Then focus in and learn the skills you need to make you a stronger candidate for marriage success. 

Would you expect to drive a car without first taking drivers’ ed?  Search out books and marriage ed courses to learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for marriage partnership.   Then in addition to ending your marriage problems, you’ll make your partnership a loving success.

How Can You Survive An Affair?

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I Feel Betrayed By My Spouses Affair

If I am the one that was hurt, why do I have to deal with this affair?

If you have just found out that your spouse was cheating, you are feeling so many emotions and dealing with numerous thoughts that keep spinning around in your mind. Some of these thoughts can cause you to feel as if you did something wrong and are to blame for your spouse wanting another person. That hurts. Rejection in any form feels awful.

First of all let’s try to make some sense of what has happened. There is no good way to find out that your spouse has had an affair. Whether you happened to see some texts, your spouse tells you, or someone else tells you about it, the feeling of betrayal is the same. So one layer of hurt is from the betrayal and feeling violated as if someone took something from you that can never be returned the way it once was. Trust has suddenly gone away and you realize that the one you love has altered that sense of well being and belief that they would always be true to you.

Don’t give in to the fears and doubts. Look at this deeper.

Try to stay calm and know that now is not the time to make any quick and permanent decisions. There will be plenty of time for taing action.

Gather your thoughts and sort out the emotions from what has happened. Let yourself grieve, sort though and feel the emotions, and just breathe.

You are hurting and you need a chance to just address that pain. It is a terrible feeling.

Take a look at your spouse. How did the two of you get here?  What has happened over the years? What has been missing for each of you?

Think about your part –  I promise that each of us has a part in the relationship deteriorating. How did you both turn away from each other? How was this choice made? Did you drift apart? Did the communication get strained? Did the relationship itself become last?  Did you take each other for granted?

It’s the road back. It will help you break free from the fear and see what’s on the other side.

Have you always done everything you can to let your spouse feel loved and cared about? None of us do. Take your time to look at what happened and be willing to see if you have a part in how things got to this point. You can repair and heal after an affair. Trust takes a long while to rebuild. You can survive an affair. One day at a time.

What are you able to look at within yourself?  What would you like to see happen from here? If you feel stuck, just reach out. I will help you with this.

 

Marriage As Newlyweds

Breakups – Fear of the Unknown In Your Relationship

alt="Breakups"lBreakups Are Painful – Especially When You Are Blindsided

He Loves Me  . . . He Loves Me Not

(Submitted by a client)

Have you ever had fear of the unknown in your relationship?

I certainly have. It has been too long since I have written.  I have been lucky enough to spend some time at home for the past couple weeks visiting with good friends that I don’t have the opportunity to see very often.  But guess what – even though I was away visiting, I was keenly aware that I had brought with me fear of the unknown about  my own relationship.

A week ago today I was informed that my love and best friend has done the worst thing that would have brought me to a place of fear of the unknown in my relationship.

I found out he has moved his belongings out of our apartment.  He has done this without telling me and I now know that there is an emptiness waiting for me when I return.  How could he have been so cowardly?  How could he not have respected me enough to do this when I was present.  Was this what he thought would be easier? Easier for whom?  Him? No matter what breakups are painful and bring about fear of the unknown in your relationship.

He has been my best friend for 11 years, we have shared our thoughts day after day.  There has never been anyone that I have trusted so deeply.  This news is the worst that I could have ever expected to happen to me.  Is the fact that I have worried on and off for most of my life that this would someday happen to me the reason that it actually has?  Did I bring this upon myself with my thoughts and worries? What do you do now when fear of the unknown in your relationship is so intense and painful?

I have struggled this week to keep it together.  The tears come easily and often and I don’t know how to stop them.  What is making me cry?  I fear the unknown in my relationship; what is going to take place in the coming months, are we going to be able to repair this relationship that I value more than anything in the world and is so terribly damaged right now?  My fear is crippling me and I must take action to stop it!  I can not continue down my path in a state of fear and anxiety.  I must embrace the world around me and continue to better myself.  I can not be loved by others if I am not loving towards myself.

Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness

Knowing What You Need From Your Relationship For Happiness

Continuous Self Improvement Is The Key To Growthalt='Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness"

(Submitted by a client as we worked on her self improvement)

This morning I woke up feeling pretty miserable.  It was another rough weekend for me and was feeling down and sorry for myself.  I have been feeling pretty happy lately knowing that this is from focusing on continuous self improvement.

As a result of my success I have let quite a few of the great habits I have been working so hard to establish lapse.  Daily affirmations?  What are those?  Doing things for myself?  Why bother? Building up my confidence? Not needed since I started feeling great about myself. This sadness forces me to realize I have to get back to continuous self improvement.

What I need to realize is that key to ongoing happiness is a life long process of continuous self improvement.  Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness.

I must continue to take care of myself first if I am going to be able to care for others.  I must treat myself in a way that I want to be treated by others.  I have to put my needs first and not feel bad about it.

What are my needs?   In order to keep on my path of continuous self improvement, I have learned in working with Debbie Rivera that I have to know myself first and Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship  is the key to ongoing happiness . It is important for me to understand what I need so that I experience the key to  happiness and fulfillment in a relationship. This is just one of many steps to continuous self improvement.

Below is one method for determining what you need from a relationship:

From Debbie Rivera – Here is an exercise I gave her to help uncover what she needs from a relationship.

Try this for your own continuous self improvement so that you know what you need from a relationship too:

Do I need  . . .

 Nurturance

  1. Being loved unconditionally
    • I need and I claim relationships with people who love me unconditionally despite my shortcomings.
  2. Getting hugs and physical affection
  3. Being supported when I’m failing or feeling vulnerable
  4. Receiving acts of care taking and service
  5. Being forgiven
  6. Being treated as if my wants and needs are very important.

Guidance & Envisioning

  1.  Getting a commitment for a shared future
    • I need and I claim a relationship that is founded upon a commitment for a shared future together.
  2. Being praised and rewarded for accomplishments
  3. Getting symbolic and thoughtful gifts

Limit Setting

  1.  Being told to “suck it up” when I have to do something difficult or scary
  2. Being confronted when I’m out of line
    •  I need and I claim my being confronted when my behavior or words are inappropriate
  3. Receiving reasonable consequences for abusive or destructive behavior

Functional Needs

  1.  Kept agreements
    • I need and I claim a relationship that is built upon a continuous effort to keep agreements
  2. Financial responsibility
  3. Neatness/cleanliness
  4. Activities initiated
  5. Handy around house
  6. Good grooming/dressing

 Emotional Needs

  1.  Affection
  2. Surprises
  3. Consideration
  4.  Thoughtfulness
    • I need and I claim a partner that is thoughtful of my needs and emotions
  5. Commitment
  6. Trust
  7. Loyalty
  8. Appreciation

Find out what you need for your own overall happiness and from your relationship too!

Get Your Wife Back Now

Get Your Wife Back Now – Before It Is Too Late alt="Get Your Wife Back Now"

How can you get your wife back now before it is too late? Most people who have been close to leaving a marriage know that the longer you wait, the more you risk not being able to turn back time and rediscover the reasons why you got married in the first place. The more time that goes by after a split, the more room there is for another person to become involved. Your wife may be feeling lonely and unloved and there is always someone waiting in the wings to help her rediscover what’s been missing and start feeling happier.

Marriages break down for all sorts of reasons but the main one is a lack of communication – which is a lack of listening and making time to fully hear what’s being said. Life can just sometimes get in the way too. There may not have been an affair or other serious issue. You may just have simply drifted apart. Perhaps you thought  your relationship would always be there. Now you find there is a big gap between you and somehow you have got to close the gap and become connected again to get your wife back now..

It is easy to take your significant other for granted without meaning too. We often spend more time worrying about our job, our families, our friends or our kids while believing that our other half is fine. By the time you factor in the time spent on your job and your kids, it leaves very little for your Mrs. This can lead to your wife feeling you no longer love her or have time for her. So to turn this around and get your wife back now you have to take action and be consistent with it so she believes things will turn around.

Love is like a plant. It takes care and nurturing to blossom. Without sunshine (attention), it withers and dies. However just like a plant, love can be revived if your willing to put out the effort.

Try talking to your wife and find out why she left. What’s missing for her? Is there something in particular that she is unhappy with? Perhaps she believes you are involved with someone else. If you are not, convince her of your innocence. If you are, you need to make a decision as to which person you want to be with. You cannot have two significant others in your life and expect life to go on as before. The thing is that your wife will respond if you take the time to show her that she matters and is a priority to you.

Remind your wife of the good times you shared and all the reasons why you fell in love with her. Flatter her but be sincere and truthful – honest, remember she knows you perhaps better than you know yourself and manipulation just won’t work. Don’t get angry or try laying blame at her door. Never threaten her, your kids or imply that you will harm yourself. You will only frighten her or else she will pity you. Neither emotion is the one you are looking for. Start with connecting as friends. She will feel safe that way and be able to talk to you much easier. Never

Admit that although you both have made mistakes, now is the time to move on and work things out. Perhaps you won’t be able to get your wife back but at least you will have tried everything.

Don’t be too heavy or too desperate. You want her to find you attractive again and nobody likes a desperate man. Be strong and confident. Show her exactly what you want while at the same time convincing her that you are prepared to do what she wants or at least meet her more than half way.

Go get your wife back now and hopefully you will get to celebrate your golden years together, forever.

 

 

Love With Reckless Abandon

Love Recklessly, Completely

How To Put Aside Your Fears And Love With Reckless Abandon

The following was submitted by one of my clients sharing her thoughts around love)

“Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon” – Unknown

alt="Love With Reckless Abandon"I seem to have conquered only one of these so far.  I am very passionate about all things food.  I love reading and trying out new recipes.   I take great pleasure shopping at fancy grocery stores and experimenting with new ingredients. 

Today it crossed my mind;

  • Why can’t I let myself love recklessly?
  • Why am I so guarded in love?
  • What am I afraid of love?
  • What do I really stand to lose?

With the first quarter of the year pretty much behind us I have taken some time to reflect on my goals for 2012 and my progress towards achieving them.

My primary goal was to “Be consistent, pick my path and then continue down that path.”
How did I plan to do this?  I started by making a list of things that I could do to boost my self-confidence.

They included:

  1. Always do my hair and makeup – do this for myself, not for someone else.  If I like how I look I will feel better about myself.
  2. Dress nicely – this doesn’t mean that I have to dress up everyday.  I just take care in my appearance and wear clothing that accentuates my positive attributes.
  3. Get to know myslef – this has been a very rewarding exercise.  I record my thoughts, negative and positive as well as my daily affirmations.   
  4. Be kind and generous – working towards always treating others as I would like to be treated
  5. Set small goals and celebrate my achievements – still struggling with this.  I think I set my goals too large.
  6. Focus on solutions instead of problems
  7. Be grateful
  8. Exercise
  9. Accept compliments gracefully

I am feeling reasonably happy with my progress on these items.  What I had failed to consider was my need to overcome my fear of loving.  I cannot continue down my chosen path if I allow my fears to control my life.  I must speak my truth and show my love unconditionally to allow myself to be open to receiving the love I need and desire so very much.

 

 

 

 

 

Your Relationship Psychology

Improving Your Marriage With Your Relationship Psychology

 Use Your Relationship Psychology To Understand Your Spouse                                     alt="Improving Your Marriage With Your Relationship Psychology"

No relationship is perfect, but it is possible to make your marriage more enjoyable for each of you. After all, your relationship psychology is all about finding ways to maintain a balance that stops your spouse from becoming disappointed and disillusioned with the marriage. If you’ve already separated from your spouse, then using similar relationship psychology principles can also help you to begin rebuilding your relationship . Improving Your Marriage With Your Relationship Psychology is all about a marriage mindset.

Your relationship psychology is about teaching each person inside the relationship how to recognize destructive or unhelpful patterns that could potentially be driving your partner farther and farther away. One major way to help turn things around is to realize that each of you feels and experiences love differently. The unfortunate part about most couples is that they often believe the other person will think the same way as they do. In truth, men and women have very different ways of communicating those things they need or want. In the beginning of your relationship, you met these needs without even realizing it. That is what made you so great together. Over time, life gets in the way and you stop fulfilling each other’s needs.

Women need to remember that men place more value on actions rather than words. This means a woman who constantly tries to get her spouse to address problems in the relationship by talking about the issues or arguing about bad behavior is almost certain to see an increase in those negative patterns. Men don’t want all that conversation and focus on the problems in the marriage.

Instead of talking or arguing your way through an issue, try using a more psychological approach. Men respond more positively to your actions. They want to know that they are capable of making you happy. A man who is constantly faced with an upset spouse will begin to think there’s nothing he can do to make you happy, so he’ll withdraw even further from you, even to the point of breaking up.

However, if he’s faced with a happy, confident wife who is a pleasure to spend time with, he’s less likely to withdraw. In fact, he’ll likely draw even closer because he enjoys being around you. Men in this situation will often find themselves doing whatever they can to make sure you stay as happy as you were on those occasions. If you find it difficult to raise your self-confidence, then try giving yourself a mini-make over or spend some time doing something you enjoy. When you feel good within yourself, you’re more likely to radiate that confidence outwardly as well.

Men need to remember that women value slightly different emotional triggers than they do. Women want to know that the man they love places enough value on her to really listen to what she’s saying. If you feel your wife is pulling away from you, then sit down and just listen. Give her your full attention. That is all she really wants and needs is to share her day with you and know that you care. It is one of the most validating things you can do for a woman and for your relationship.

Ask questions about what your partner has just said and then take notice of her responses. If men can learn to listen attentively without allowing their mind to wander off, their wife will begin to feel more loved and cherishes, which leads them in turn to develop a great mood, which makes them happy and enjoyable to send time with. They will feel closer to you and open up physically.

These primary differences in your relationship psychology between men and women are simple things you can do to help strengthen your existing relationship, but they’ll also work equally well if you’re trying to improve your marriage.

Marriage Trouble In Love’s Paradise?

Where Can I Get Help To Save My Marriage   alt="Where Can I Get Help To Save My Marriage"

Feel like you’ve exhausted every option you could think up on your own and you just want to storm into some marriage counselors’ office and shout, “Help me save my marriage? Please!” Except for the shouting part, you’re actually on the right track looking for advice from some place other than your own head.

Marriage Trouble Help Can Be Found With The Following Save My Marriage Sources.

Married Friends that have a lasting marriage and made it through their marriage trouble!

If you have any friends who’ve managed to dodge an impending divorce bullet, ask them how they did it. Don’t just think about friends your age, either. Older couples can be a goldmine of advice on working through marriage trouble. They are great sources of how they got through the bumps in a marriage and came out happier and closer than when they first started out. They will also be able to be a great source of comfort and wisdom having been down the marriage trouble path before.

Even if they seem to have a perfect relationship now, you might be surprised to hear what they’ve gone through. Of course, the problem with asking friends for advice is their experience is limited to what worked for them. What worked for them won’t necessarily work for you, though but can definitely give you hope for a better marriage and knowing that it can be accomplished if you stay the course to fixing your marriage.

Online forums and marriage trouble articles!

The Internet is great place to find information on just about everything and marriage is no exception. The advantage of getting advice from forums is that you can ask questions anonymously and get opinions from a variety of people who’ll most likely have very different view points from you. The drawback is that you won’t get a truly useful response from one “help me save my marriage” post. The lack of real-time interaction means you don’t get the back-and-forth dialogue you’d need to really get to the root of your problems and find a workable solution.

Marriage Coaching!

It’s one of the first thing well meaning friends ask when you admit your marriage is on the rocks: “Have you thought of marriage counseling?” There’s good reason for that. Try marriage coaching. More effective than traditional therapy and marriage counseling.  A professional, Marriage Coach is trained in resolving marital conflicts and has many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. Marriage Coaching helps get the root cause of the issues and provide the tools and skills that will change the couple’s relationship when put in place so you don’t stay stuck or repeat old destructive patterns. Marriage Coaching is proactive where I can partner with the couple to create the relationship you need.

Sometimes one spouse doesn’t want to go. Usually, that partner believes the marriage has already at a point of no return and any attempt to revive it is a waste of time and energy. If you’re partner feels that way, don’t give up just yet. While you want to avoid pressuring or begging, simple logic can work wonders. You start going and seeing what you can do to change things first. It just takes one spouse in a marriage to change to turn a marriage around and help the marriage thrive again.

Marriage Coaching can help, Let’s see if this a a great option for you. Contact me today.

Self-help books on Marriage!

If you’ve been looking online for tips, you’ve probably run into a few of those ebooks that provide guidance for working through a rough patch in a marriage even when one partner is ready to call it quits. They may not seem like much, but in reality, the best of these can be surprisingly effective.

Most of these plans were developed by highly experienced marriage counselors who found a “formula” for what works, so they usually have a success rate higher than that of most marriage counselors.

Whatever you do, don’t delude yourself into thinking the marriage trouble between you and your spouse will disappear on its own. It’s not enough to sit and wonder “Who can help me save my marriage?” You need to decide where you’re going to go for sound advice and act on that advice as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the harder your marriage problems will be to solve. The best way to turn things around is to take action now using all the marriage resources you find helpful to you and your situation.

 

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