Breakups – Fear of the Unknown In Your Relationship

alt="Breakups"lBreakups Are Painful – Especially When You Are Blindsided

He Loves Me  . . . He Loves Me Not

(Submitted by a client)

Have you ever had fear of the unknown in your relationship?

I certainly have. It has been too long since I have written.  I have been lucky enough to spend some time at home for the past couple weeks visiting with good friends that I don’t have the opportunity to see very often.  But guess what – even though I was away visiting, I was keenly aware that I had brought with me fear of the unknown about  my own relationship.

A week ago today I was informed that my love and best friend has done the worst thing that would have brought me to a place of fear of the unknown in my relationship.

I found out he has moved his belongings out of our apartment.  He has done this without telling me and I now know that there is an emptiness waiting for me when I return.  How could he have been so cowardly?  How could he not have respected me enough to do this when I was present.  Was this what he thought would be easier? Easier for whom?  Him? No matter what breakups are painful and bring about fear of the unknown in your relationship.

He has been my best friend for 11 years, we have shared our thoughts day after day.  There has never been anyone that I have trusted so deeply.  This news is the worst that I could have ever expected to happen to me.  Is the fact that I have worried on and off for most of my life that this would someday happen to me the reason that it actually has?  Did I bring this upon myself with my thoughts and worries? What do you do now when fear of the unknown in your relationship is so intense and painful?

I have struggled this week to keep it together.  The tears come easily and often and I don’t know how to stop them.  What is making me cry?  I fear the unknown in my relationship; what is going to take place in the coming months, are we going to be able to repair this relationship that I value more than anything in the world and is so terribly damaged right now?  My fear is crippling me and I must take action to stop it!  I can not continue down my path in a state of fear and anxiety.  I must embrace the world around me and continue to better myself.  I can not be loved by others if I am not loving towards myself.

Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness

Knowing What You Need From Your Relationship For Happiness

Continuous Self Improvement Is The Key To Growthalt='Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness"

(Submitted by a client as we worked on her self improvement)

This morning I woke up feeling pretty miserable.  It was another rough weekend for me and was feeling down and sorry for myself.  I have been feeling pretty happy lately knowing that this is from focusing on continuous self improvement.

As a result of my success I have let quite a few of the great habits I have been working so hard to establish lapse.  Daily affirmations?  What are those?  Doing things for myself?  Why bother? Building up my confidence? Not needed since I started feeling great about myself. This sadness forces me to realize I have to get back to continuous self improvement.

What I need to realize is that key to ongoing happiness is a life long process of continuous self improvement.  Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship -The Key to Ongoing Happiness.

I must continue to take care of myself first if I am going to be able to care for others.  I must treat myself in a way that I want to be treated by others.  I have to put my needs first and not feel bad about it.

What are my needs?   In order to keep on my path of continuous self improvement, I have learned in working with Debbie Rivera that I have to know myself first and Knowing What YOU Need From Your Relationship  is the key to ongoing happiness . It is important for me to understand what I need so that I experience the key to  happiness and fulfillment in a relationship. This is just one of many steps to continuous self improvement.

Below is one method for determining what you need from a relationship:

From Debbie Rivera – Here is an exercise I gave her to help uncover what she needs from a relationship.

Try this for your own continuous self improvement so that you know what you need from a relationship too:

Do I need  . . .

 Nurturance

  1. Being loved unconditionally
    • I need and I claim relationships with people who love me unconditionally despite my shortcomings.
  2. Getting hugs and physical affection
  3. Being supported when I’m failing or feeling vulnerable
  4. Receiving acts of care taking and service
  5. Being forgiven
  6. Being treated as if my wants and needs are very important.

Guidance & Envisioning

  1.  Getting a commitment for a shared future
    • I need and I claim a relationship that is founded upon a commitment for a shared future together.
  2. Being praised and rewarded for accomplishments
  3. Getting symbolic and thoughtful gifts

Limit Setting

  1.  Being told to “suck it up” when I have to do something difficult or scary
  2. Being confronted when I’m out of line
    •  I need and I claim my being confronted when my behavior or words are inappropriate
  3. Receiving reasonable consequences for abusive or destructive behavior

Functional Needs

  1.  Kept agreements
    • I need and I claim a relationship that is built upon a continuous effort to keep agreements
  2. Financial responsibility
  3. Neatness/cleanliness
  4. Activities initiated
  5. Handy around house
  6. Good grooming/dressing

 Emotional Needs

  1.  Affection
  2. Surprises
  3. Consideration
  4.  Thoughtfulness
    • I need and I claim a partner that is thoughtful of my needs and emotions
  5. Commitment
  6. Trust
  7. Loyalty
  8. Appreciation

Find out what you need for your own overall happiness and from your relationship too!

Love With Reckless Abandon

Love Recklessly, Completely

How To Put Aside Your Fears And Love With Reckless Abandon

The following was submitted by one of my clients sharing her thoughts around love)

“Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon” – Unknown

alt="Love With Reckless Abandon"I seem to have conquered only one of these so far.  I am very passionate about all things food.  I love reading and trying out new recipes.   I take great pleasure shopping at fancy grocery stores and experimenting with new ingredients. 

Today it crossed my mind;

  • Why can’t I let myself love recklessly?
  • Why am I so guarded in love?
  • What am I afraid of love?
  • What do I really stand to lose?

With the first quarter of the year pretty much behind us I have taken some time to reflect on my goals for 2012 and my progress towards achieving them.

My primary goal was to “Be consistent, pick my path and then continue down that path.”
How did I plan to do this?  I started by making a list of things that I could do to boost my self-confidence.

They included:

  1. Always do my hair and makeup – do this for myself, not for someone else.  If I like how I look I will feel better about myself.
  2. Dress nicely – this doesn’t mean that I have to dress up everyday.  I just take care in my appearance and wear clothing that accentuates my positive attributes.
  3. Get to know myslef – this has been a very rewarding exercise.  I record my thoughts, negative and positive as well as my daily affirmations.   
  4. Be kind and generous – working towards always treating others as I would like to be treated
  5. Set small goals and celebrate my achievements – still struggling with this.  I think I set my goals too large.
  6. Focus on solutions instead of problems
  7. Be grateful
  8. Exercise
  9. Accept compliments gracefully

I am feeling reasonably happy with my progress on these items.  What I had failed to consider was my need to overcome my fear of loving.  I cannot continue down my chosen path if I allow my fears to control my life.  I must speak my truth and show my love unconditionally to allow myself to be open to receiving the love I need and desire so very much.

 

 

 

 

 

How Do We Feel Loved?

alt="What Do You Need From Your Relationship . . ."

What Do You Need From Your Relationship

How Do We Feel Most Loved?

Find out what’s missing and leads to contentment for you.

(Submitted by a client)

Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that much for them. – Unknown

A couple weeks ago my assignment was to think of 30 ways that my partner could love me.  This seems like a simple task right?  Well, I guess sometimes I have the habit of perceiving things to be more difficult than they actually are.  Debbie and I worked on this assignment together to get it completed and guess what, I found it to be incredibly enlightening!

We discovered that I feel loved the most when people do thoughtful and nice things for me.  Love for me isn’t receiving a really expensive gift, instead it is the kind and generous acts completed by those around me.  In many of my personal relationships I have felt disappointed and unloved at times.  I love my friends deeply and with sincere commitment. I show my love by completing small acts of kindness that may make their day a little bit easier, more fun, less lonely…

What I never realized was that not everyone shows their love towards others the same way nor do they necessarily feel love the same way that I do.  Establishing a satisfying relationship requires us to determine how we feel love and what the people we love need to feel our love for them.

Every day is a little brighter than the day before.

What Do You Need From Your Relationship . . . One important step in the process to not only be the right person for your spouse but to teach them how to be the right person for you. What are some ways that your spouse could show you love and think of some great ways you can love them in the way they feel loved too.

Create Happiness In Your Relationship With Your Own Self-Confidence

alt="Create Happiness In Your Relationship With Your Own Self-Confidence"

Happier Together

How you can create more happiness in yourself and your spouse

(Submitted by a client)

Good news!

Things are looking up.  The past few days I have felt moments of happiness and content.  The only problem is for some reason there is still a little voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that I have been here before and that it is only a matter of time before things take a turn for the worse again.  I want to tell that little voice to take a hike!  I believe that everyone wants to be happy, but many of us have lost our way in the pursuit of  happiness.  I made a list of things that I can do for my own self-confidence which in turn will bring happiness to my life.

Here it is:

  1. Always do my hair & makeup – if I feel pretty others will think I am too
  2. Dress nicely – this doesn’t mean that I have to dress up fancy, just be tidy and dressed appropriate to the situation
  3. Get to know myself – listen to my thoughts, analyze my negative thoughts – are they really true?, write about the good things in my life
  4. Be kind and generous – treat others as I would like to be treated regardless of how they are treating me
  5. Set small goals and achieve them – celebrate my achievements
  6. Focus on solutions instead of problems
  7. Exercise
  8. Accept compliments gracefully

 It is going to take time to develop the habits necessary to live in accordance with this list but if I work at it one day at a time things can only continue to improve.

 “All the happiness you ever find lies in you.” Anonymous

Create Happiness In Your Relationship With Your Own Self-Confidence! I will help you get started right away.

Living a Life of Gratitude

The Best Way To Heal Is To Have Gratitude Everyday

Take time each day to jot down the 5 top things you are grateful for – this will help you to heal and move on!

(Submitted by a client)

alt="The Best Way To Heal Is To Be Have Gratitude Everyday"The other night I went to see the movie War Horse. I love horses and was really looking forward to watching this touching story about a boy and his horse. What I didn’t expect was the impact that the war scenes would have on me.

While I certainly not an expert on the facts surrounding WWI, I was touched by the realization of the universal suffering that was encountered by all who experienced this War.

I am so very grateful to live every day with the freedom to make my own choices, to not worry about hunger, warmth or my own personal safety. Some days it seems like the world is against me, on these days it is important to reflect on how truly blessed I am to live in a time and place that is only possible as a result of the sacrifices that were made by so many before us.

When life is getting you down take time to think of something that you are so thankful to have in your life! I am certain that it will make you smile, if only for a moment. The Best Way To Heal Is To Have Gratitude Everyday

What Fear and Forgiveness Give To Your Love Life

alt="What Fear and Forgiveness Give To Your Love Life"Fear & Forgiveness: One More Step On Her Journey

How To Stop Your Fears And Start Being You

(Submitted by a very brave client)

Last night’s session touched on some very difficult topics for me.  5 ½ years ago I terminated an unplanned pregnancy.  My partner and I were not married and although we had regularly discussed marriage and he totally adores children my fears overwhelmed me and I decided not to go through with it.  He said that he would support me no matter what decision I made.  We went through with the procedure and it was never really talked about again.  Every year around the time that I would have been due I think about how old my baby would have been.  Every time a friend is pregnant or someone asks me when I am going to have children I think about it.  It is always there haunting me.  In recent months my partner has indicated that he thinks of it often as well and has also indicated that he is sorry for the decision we made.

Last night we tried to identify some of my fears that lead to my decision.

  • I was afraid of what my mom would think, having a child before getting married.
  • I was afraid that I would be a terrible mom.
  • I was afraid that at some point in the future I would be faced with the situation of being a single mom just like my mom had when I was in my early teens.

Growing up I had two parents that I loved very much and they loved me but when I was twelve years old their relationship started to fall apart and at fourteen my dad left.  My parents did not split amicably and my mom has struggled ever since to recover emotionally.  I feel that I took on the role of caring for my mom in many ways as she cried often and seemed too weak to stand up to my father’s antics.  In turn this had a negative impact on my high school years and my own person reflections on relationships with men and my ability to trust someone to love me.  I was very fortunate to have been surrounded by very good friends.

This thought often crosses my mind, “No one is ever going to love me forever, no one ever has up to this point and therefore no one ever will”.

I know that I can’t change the past and I must find a way to forgive myself if I want to grow into the beautiful person I was meant to be.

 

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

 

Heartbreak: One Client’s Journey Begins

alt="heartbreak"What does New Year’s mean to me? A Daring Promise Of Love

Bring Love Back Into The New Year

(Submitted by a client)

At the start of every year many of us make resolutions, they might be to lose weight, eat healthier, get a better job… This year I have resolved to take better care of myself mentally.  I have vowed to do whatever it takes to learn to love the person I am.  I am going to develop habits that will help me wipe out the negative thoughts that take control of me sometimes.  For too many years now I have thought that I wasn’t worthy of love, that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough.  This isn’t true.  I am enough and more.  I have so much to offer.

About a month ago I read somewhere the following statement – “We can’t change our partner, we can’t undo the past, and we can’t make someone love us.  What we can do is be the very best person we can be.” This hit home for me, the only thing that I have the absolute power to do is help myself overcome my fears and learn to love and trust myself.  I can’t erase the mistakes that I have made, and believe me there have been many, and I can’t take back the mean things I have said.  I can move forward from this day on and be the person that I would love to spend time with.

Be consistent, pick your path and then continue down that path… that is what 2012 is about for me!

 

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