Dr Oz and Wife Lisa’s 5 Tips For Lasting Love

Dr. Oz: 5 Tips for Lasting Love, Health, and Happiness

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The handsome 51-year-old Dr. Mehmet Oz—bestselling author, TV personality, and renowned heart surgeon—struts into the studio for his SHAPE cover shoot and greets his wife, Lisa, 48, a mother of four and herself the author of a bestseller, with a kiss and a tight squeeze. The spark of excitement between them is palpable even after 26 years together. “I’ve always thought Lisa was sexy,” says Dr. Oz. “I brag about her all the time. “

 They even “met cute” in a charming spin on an old-fashioned arranged marriage. Their parents introduced them when Lisa was in college and Mehmet was attending medical school. They dated for six months before deciding to tie the knot, and got married two and a half years later.
If, like us, you’re asking, “Can this marriage really be so storybook perfect?” Lisa sets the record straight. “No relationship is flawless,” she says. “But if you’re committed and willing to put the work in, it can thrive.” Despite a quick courtship, two over-the-top busy careers, and four energetic kids, the Ozes remain stronger than ever, which means they have plenty to teach the rest of us about how to keep a marriage humming—not to mention healthy. So whether you’re looking for love, starting the first blush of a romance, or in it for the long-term, their time-tested advice will help you build a better partnership.
1. Focus on the Positive

Lisa is the first to admit that the yellow brick road in the land of Oz has had its bumps. “We’re pretty much like any other couple,” she says. “We fight—a lot—and there are times when we’re bored with each other.” Her solution? Remember what you love about your spouse, not what irritates you. “Whenever he’s doing something that’s driving me crazy, I think about one of his traits I absolutely adore,” she says. “For example, I’m insatiable when it comes to being with him, so my main complaint is that we never have enough time together. The positive side of that is I love how open and available he is to other people who need him.”2. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

“Still, it’s important to remember that no matter how much you want to be with each other, you can’t satisfy all of your partner’s needs,” says Dr. Oz. For years I wanted Mehmet to work less and play with me more,” says Lisa. After initially blaming him for her own boredom, it finally dawned on her that she had to create her own bliss. “I’ve come to realize you can’t sit around and wait for the other person to do the things you want to do. If you want him to be more romantic, be more romantic yourself. In other words, light your own damn candles!”
3. Share Your Passions

Living a healthy lifestyle was something the couple bonded over from the get-go. A vegetarian since she was 15, Lisa incorporates brightly colored, plant-based foods into every meal she makes. “I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful chef,” says Dr. Oz, who eats fish and poultry when he’s away from home. “Lisa makes the food playful and tasty.” She also introduced her husband to trainer Joel Harper, who works with them together and individually. To get their four kids—Daphne, Arabella, Zoe, and Oliver—excited about exercise when at a young age, the family invented the Oz Olympics, which highlighted each of their abilities. “Some were better at throwing balls, some were faster at running,” says Lisa. “So Mehmet developed game-like competitions where each child could win a medal. That’s how we spent many evenings when they were little.”

 4. Show Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T
No matter how head over heels you are in the beginning of your courtship, eventually you’re going to discover that relationships are hard work. “You’re super-attentive and sweet to each other at first,” says Lisa. “But after a few years, it’s easy to forget to say things like ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’ Sometimes you’re nicer to a complete stranger than you are to your spouse!” Empathy and thoughtfulness are key to getting through tough times together, says Dr. Oz. “It’s difficult to love someone you don’t respect, which is hard to remember when you’re having an argument. Lisa knows how to push my buttons. She doesn’t do it on purpose, but it happens. Then we fight and make up.”
5. Get Physical
And that’s where the sex comes in. “My prescription for sex…” Dr. Oz begins, “…is to have it as often as possible!” finishes Lisa, laughing. The Ozes strongly believe in keeping the home fires burning brightly. In fact, says Lisa, “that’s a perfect metaphor. It’s much harder to reignite a flame once it’s dead. You have to make intimacy a regular part of your life.” So how often does the doctor recommend a couple get busy? “Two to three times a week,” he says. (Lisa says six, but who’s counting?) Besides the pleasure factor, says Dr. Oz, “sex helps you live longer. It’s been scientifically proven that twice a week equals three more years of life.” ’Nuff said!

Closing The Gaps In Your Marriage

How To Protect Your Relationship When You’re Drifting Apart

by Laura Silverstein

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Sometimes we feel like we’re rushing through life so fast that we’re missing out. You try to prioritize exercise and meditation, but self-care is often the first thing to go when the chaos rises.

Trying to keep all the balls in the air can mean you aren’t seeing what’s right in front of your face. You and your partner might be drifting apart. Here’s what you need to know to bridge distance:

1. Chances are, this is just a phase.

You won’t always be so busy. Someday, if all goes according to plan, you’ll be sitting next to your partner, smiling about the life you have built together.

2. Long-term love is an extraordinary gift.

This security is tremendous, and not to be taken for granted. A person who celebrates how awesome you are and doesn’t leave you when you mess up is something to be treasured.

3. A relationship can die without a single slammed door or raised voice.

Even when there is no cheating, no screaming, no irreconcilable differences, relationships can end. It happens slowly, subtly, and silently. Distance left unaddressed is a leading cause of separation.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman’s research identified eight predictors of divorce. Many of these predictors are symptoms you would expect, like poor conflict management and a high degree of negativity. Of the eight predictors, emotional distancing is the hardest to recognize.

4. There are warning signs. You just have to know what they are.

These include the absence of affection, humor, curiosity, excitement, and empathy in daily interactions.

If you have a huge fight with your partner, it’d be strange for both of you not to notice. Those conflicts are usually addressed. It is much more difficult, however, to recognize that the two of you have been holding hands less frequently or having fewer interesting conversations.

Example: Your partner asks you a question when you’re in the middle of something. You let him know now isn’t a good time, and you both move on with the day, leaving no one hurt or offended. But when attempts at connection are pushed away over and over again, people naturally reach out less and less, and eventually stop altogether.

5. The solution is simple and can be carried out in as few as six seconds each day.

In couples therapy I often tell my patients that I cannot teach them to love one another. But I can teach them how to nourish the love that they already have. You don’t have to hire a babysitter or plan a vacation. As few as six seconds at a time can make an immense difference over the long term.

To stay emotionally close, intersperse tiny moments of connection into your lives every single day. Simply put: Reach out warmly to your partner on a regular basis and respond with warmth when your partner reaches out to you.

Here are a few ways you might do this:

  1. You kiss your partner goodbye every day on the way to work. It becomes a habit, and you stop paying attention. Instead, slow down, enjoy the kiss, and recognize that you are kissing someone you’re in love with — not your Great-Aunt Lulu. Gottman recommends kissing hello and goodbye for six solid seconds.
  2. You’re rushing out to meet friends for dinner, giving instructions to the babysitter, and your partner tells you how nice you look. Switch gears for a second or two. Make eye contact, and say, “Thank you.” If you want appreciation, appreciate it when you get it.
  3. You’re finally in bed with your favorite book, enjoying the peace and quiet. Your partner climbs into bed next to you. Be willing to put your book down for a moment and say, “Hey, I’m totally wiped but so glad you’re home!” Acknowledge that you’re pleased to see your partner before you return to reading.

These tiny energy expenditures will invigorate your relationship exponentially.

When running a long-distance race, it’s essential to drink water before you get thirsty. Similarly, you need to nourish your relationship before you feel that it’s been drained. This will make you feel better, giving you that additional boost you got when your relationship first started, and a reminder that you are loved.

You have shared your heart with an amazing person. Stay close to him or her even when life is turbulent, so you’re still together when it isn’t.

Make Fun A Part Of Your Marriage

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Bring The Fun Side of Your Marriage Back To Life

Research has found that people are happier when they have more FUN in their lives. Studies have also found that the happiest couples report that they are happy because they have a lot of fun together.

How much fun do you have in your life?  Do you make it a priority to be playful, positive and have fun? With your spouse?

Research by Dr John Gottman has found that couples are more happy in their relationships if they have the magic ratio of 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions.

For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate, caring or fun interactions to counter balance it. As we all know, conflict is inevitable in long term relationships.

We just need to be careful to not allow the conflicts to erode relationship satisfaction.

  • It is so important that couples prioritize their relationships.
  • We need to know that we are there for each other and we matter.
  • We also need to know that we can still enjoy each other’s company over the years.

In a New York Times article: “Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples” studies found that just spending time together is not enough for relationship satisfaction. Brain and behavior scientists report that ideally couples need to spend time together around novel and different experiences. “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine-which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love”.

In an experiment comparing 1) Couples spending 90 minutes per week doing pleasant and familiar activities 2) Couples spending 90 minutes on “exciting” activities that they did not typically do like plays, concerts, hiking and dancing 3) No particular activity, the findings were interesting.

Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction. Be sure to use this as a way of protecting your fun and romantic times from conflict. If you go on a date with your partner, and one of you brings up an area of conflict, we recommend that you “Protect your fun time from conflict”. Discuss this approach ahead of time. When one of you starts an argument, the other can remind, “Let’s protect our fun time from conflict”.  Agree to discuss the issue or problem in the morning over breakfast.

Then take advantage of the opportunity to go out and just enjoy each other’s company. We have known many couples who have ruined Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries and Birthdays because they allowed themselves to indulge in an argument or problem focused conversation.

In the beginning of a relationship, you likely had many opportunities to fully enjoy each other’s company. We suggest you recreate those possibilities -No matter how long you have been together.

How important is FUN in your relationships? What do you do for fun together?  Strive to make fun a part of your marriage. There are many ways of making FUN be a bigger priority in your life.

When Your Marriage Gets In A Marital Rut

How to Dig Out of a Marital Rut

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A client recently asked me for some marriage rut-busting tips. What should you do to get your marriage out of a rut or mundane routine?

First know that a marital rut is  sometimes a good sign. It means your marriage is stable.

But stability and boredom don’t have to go hand in hand.

A rut—by definition—is a monotonous routine. Your marriage can  get caught up in a rut when you go about day to day life as business as usual—having the exact same routine each and every day, being too predictable, saying the same things, asking the same questions, making the same assumptions, eating at the same restaurants, going to bed at the exact same time, and even sleeping on the same side of the bed. We fall into these routines because they are easy. When things are going well in a marriage, we tend to focus our energy elsewhere—on work, on our kids, hobbies, fitness, on friends and so forth.

When your marriage gets in a marital rut:

Reinvest in your relationship. Devote some energy every day into shaking things up. Ask questions you’ve never asked before. Suggest unusual dates, sexcapades, and social excursions. Turn your evening routine upside down. If you usually watch television, for instance, play truth or dare – or have a picnic right in your bedroom – think outside of the box to change your marital rut into an exciting marriage where you can’t wait to see each other.

Reveal more. Tell stories from your past that your spouse still doesn’t know. Throughout your day, mentally jot down “Must tell my spouse” moments. As they come up, text your spouse, “Can’t wait to tell you something later” to add an element of suspense. It takes a lifetime to know everything about your spouse and sometimes even your conversations can become too predictable. Think of something new to tell each other – something funnythat happened that day or a moment from long ago. Change your stories.

Rediscover your spouse. Many of us think we know all there is to know about the person who sleeps next to us at night. We don’t. Just as most of an iceberg is hidden from view, so is much of your spouse. Your spouse is still a mystery, and mysteries are exciting. Try to discover one new quality about your spouse every day. What are their hopes and dreams – what do they want to learn – where do they want to travel – who would they like to meet – Remember to also let them know what you appreciate most about them or what they shared throughout the week in a text, conversations, emails, etc – this will strengthen your connection and definitely help when your marriage gets in a marital rut.

Remember your exciting times. When things go stale and you get in a marital rut, amnesia sets in and we tend to forget that our relationship was ever exciting in the first place. We trick ourselves into thinking that it has always been boring, but that’s probably not true. Once a week, plan an exciting date. Do something you have never done. try new experiences together like a cooking class, do something together outdoors – even a walk can change things when your marriage gets in a marital rut. Be adventurous together. See what you can come up with.

In case it’s helpful, here are some rut-busting articles I found around the web:

5 rut-busting tips from a Cognitive Therapist

8 Rut Busters from The Nest

30 Days Back to Love from Good housekeeping

How To Have A Healthy Marriage

Healthy Marriage Means You Close The Gaps

alt="How To Have A Healthy Marriage"What is a healthy marriage?

There are at least two characteristics that all healthy marriages have in common.

1.)  Healthy Marriages are mutually enriching

2.) Both spouses have a deep respect for each other.

It is a mutually satisfying relationship that is beneficial to the husband, wife and children (if present).

It is a relationship that is committed to ongoing growth, the use of effective communication skills and the use of successful conflict management skills.

You see, both of you must feel that you are getting something from the relationship to make it last. Think about your car… it has certain needs  to make it go like fuel, maintenance, a good cleaning of all the excess things that don’t belong in your car. Your relationship is the same. It needs nourishing, maintenance , and every once in a while you just have to clean out all the old stuff and quit carrying it around with you.

Always, always, always think about what you need to say before blurting it out. Long after the disagreements are over, the words are never erased. Be clear about the point that you want the other person to understand. Pick the right time. And always keep the respect foremost on your mind.

The best piece of advice I have ever received came from my dad when I was a teenager. It has always stayed with me. . .

Think before you let a single word come out of your mouth. You can’t ever take the words back and after you think about a better way to say it, you might decide that you really don’t need to say anything at all. He shortened this to: Think before you speak.

What It Takes to Keep Your Marriage Healthy

How to Have A Healthy Marriage

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  We asked Dr. Oz’s wife, Lisa, author of Us: Transforming Ourselves and the Relationships That Matter Most, to weigh in on what it takes to keep a marriage healthy.

Being married offers benefits beyond having a standing Saturday night date, or a regular jogging partner, or someone who will reliably take out the garbage. My husband, Mehmet, often talks about the medical virtues of wedded bliss: It can lower your stress level, reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s disease, even improve cancer survival rates. All very well—but the operative word here is bliss. It’s been proven that it takes a happy marriage to reap the most from those benefits. And—as I can attest after nearly 25 years of marriage (some a bit bumpy)—that takes work. In my book, I talk about the challenges Mehmet and I have faced (like when he stares at his BlackBerry instead of into my eyes during a conversation) and the strategies we use to stay connected:

Have Real Conversations

When you and your husband first got together, you didn’t spend your nights discussing the kids, the bills, or the leaky roof. And while checking off everything on the to-do list is a nice goal, it’s not nearly as valuable as staying emotionally in tune with each other. It’s not always easy, but make a point of taking ten minutes each day to talk about something more meaningful than cleaning out the garage. If your husband (like mine) has a hard time talking without getting distracted, try this: When I want to have a heart-to-heart with Mehmet, I get him engaged in another more appealing activity, like working out together or taking a walk. Once he’s physically occupied, it’s easier for him to hear what’s on my mind.

Fight Clean

Because dealing with conflict is a large part of any long-term relationship, you need to know how to air your differences productively. Too often an argument devolves into proving you’re right—and as I’ve learned, being right is overrated. One way to tell if you’re resolving your disputes in a civilized manner is to record your argument, and then play it back later. Did you fight fair, or did you come off like the Wicked Witch of the West? I once saw a video of a family vacation that captured a fight Mehmet and I were having in the background. I was so horrified by my venomous tone, I quickly erased the tape—but seeing that fight is still having a positive impact on our relationship.

Take Responsibility

If there’s something in your marriage you want changed, do something about it yourself. For years I wanted Mehmet to work less and play—especially with me—more. It took a long time to realize that if I wanted to be entertained in life, I needed to find the entertainment myself. After decades of blaming him for my boredom, I decided to make my own fun. I enrolled in continuing education classes, reconnected with friends, even took up kung fu! I still prefer having him around, but I’m no longer putting my life on hold until he’s cleared his heart surgeries and TV show tapings from his schedule each day.

Let’s face it, as much fun as you may have with your spouse, marriage isn’t a 24/7 party. But what makes a healthy union is sharing goals and growing together as a team. Concentrate on the life you want to build together, and you’ll find that all the little stuff you think you need—whether it’s dates at fancy restaurants or lazy weekends without the kids—seems unimportant.

 

Growing Together in Your Relationship

Don’t let things come between you!

You Two Are Great – It’s All The Things From The Outside That Creates The Distance

alt="Growing Together in Your Relationship!"You may be with your soul mate and it is possible that you have been together for many years.  Even if you have been together for 5, 10, 15, 25, or 60 years it’s important for you to always be growing together within your relationship.

This doesn’t just mean that you come together as one and leave the individual sides of you behind, this means that both partners in a relationship must be growing together and know each other’s inner world at all times.

Sometimes you will find your own interests but you can share stories or experiences with your spouse. Other times you will find things you like to do together. This will strengthen your bond as you create more and more memories together.

If you find that your spouse is starting to become too serious or too independent or is growing in new ways while you are having a tough time grasping onto changes then you need to have a honest and open conversation.  Make your perspective known without seeming angry or attacking, just let your feelings of being left behind come out.  This way growing together in your relationship has remained a priority and you don’t let things come between you.

So many couples describe their relationship as if they are living with a room mate they barely know. Sometimes, we just have to connect again and make sure the “we” is what we keep focused on.

One of the ways you can keep growing together in your relationship is to find a common ground to build upon.  If you are both dedicated to your career then you should make a point of growing together in your relationship by teaching each other what has made the other successful at work.  You may have a spouse that has great ideas and you don’t know it because you haven’t asked. You can be supportive and encouraging and be a great listener when one of you is trying to figure a problem out. The common thread is that you are each other’s biggest fan and supporter and can really understand what each other is going through. This will definitely bring you closer.

The truth is that growing together in your relationship is the key to staying together and have a lasting, fulfilling relationship. One that is full of connection, compassion, and friendship. Nobody wants to feel left behind or even feel like they are the ones leaving someone behind. When you see the gaps, get outside and do something together. Take a short walk. Take a drive. Visit something new. Enjoy each other’s company. Make each other laugh. Bring out the best in each other. just takes one of you to get things going. Connection is everything. Don’t let things from the outside come between you.

 

Being a Wife is Not Easy

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 Ways To Be A Wife

What are the ways to make being a wife easier?

Being a wife is not easy and that may be one of the biggest understatements ever uttered by anyone in the history of mankind or any other kind.  Not only do you have to do what is required of you by society as a woman, but you have to keep that man and possibly some children from falling completely apart.  Being a wife you are expected to keep everything running smoothly while supporting your partner and always presenting the best possible image of your family.

Is being a wife about something really simple or is it the most complex role in all of humanity?  It is both.  Being a wife means that you have to support that big ego of the man you are with, but at the same time you have to be able to be able to know yourself.  In many ways the role of being a wife resembles that of the President of the United States, you have a contingency of people that are counting on you to run your world and you have to realize that you can’t please everyone.

Your husband may be disappointed that he can’t see you as much or your family may think that you are too submissive or your in-laws may think you are too controlling…all at once!  Being a wife is one of the most difficult roles in all of the world to learn, but when it is done right it can change the life of everyone it comes in contact with.

Please let me know what you think about this. Click on the comment link below.

5 Best Things to Do for Your Relationship

5 Best Things to Do for Your Relationship
By Nina Burleigh
O, The Oprah Magazine |  May 15, 2005 . . .  Even though this is from a while back these are great tips from the experts to help you stay in love!

O, The Oprah Magazine

Ways to stay connected to the one you love . . .

Are you ready to take your relationship to a new level? Heed the wisdom of these five experts:

1. “Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed.”

Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want

2. “Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you’re very involved with your partner’s mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right.”

John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

3. “When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you’re sorry for what you’ve said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner.”

Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage

4. “With books on the market like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn’t have to make love like a porn star.You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused.”

Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First

5. “All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don’t tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you’ll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks.”

Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of 52 Lessons on Communicating Love
From the May 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The Dream You Have For Your Marriage

Dream Come True Marriage

alt"dream marriage"Living the dream of a happy marriage

Dreams are such a living source of hope. Hope for what is possible. This is also true for your relationship. There is a dream that lives inside you that shows you where you want your relationship to be.  Sometimes, you are dreaming about having a more romantic relationship with passion and fire. Perhaps you dream of having more peace and harmony in your relationship. You also may feel as if you come last and you long for a relationship in which you feel you are the priority. Even hoping for more understanding and deeper communication is another aspect of  dreaming about a different type of relationship than you have right now.

The Relationship We Dream Of Having

Relationship dreams lead you to what you want and need from your spouse.  Today, I was inspired by reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Blog and wanted to share it with you. Listen to the dream within for your relationship. Then have a conversation with your spouse about what you want and need right now from them. They can’t read your mind. They can’t see your dreams. They do want you to be happy. Pick a time when you can be free to talk about ideas and dreams without time restraints. Allowing yourself the opportunity to share what really matters makes for a closeness with the two of you. Catch up with each other. See what your spouse has been wrestling with at work or with extended family. Sometimes the very reason that we are not connecting or having the Dreamy Relationship we want is because we are just not getting enough time to allow each other the space and time to explore thoughts, hopes , and dreams.

I often tell couples this one statistic: The average couple only speaks to each other 12 minutes a day – that includes all forms of communication.  Get connected again. Talk and dream together. Share your thoughts about what you want to see happening for the two of you in 5 years. It will make such a difference on your relationship!


For More inspiration Visit The Dr. Wayne Dyer Blog – Dr. Wayne Dyer

What dreams about your relationship live inside of you?

How to Have a Happy Marriage

alt="happier marriage"Simple Things You Can Do and Say To Have A Happy Marriage

Many people fear the institution of marriage because they believe that it takes major things to make a marriage work and they don’t know how to have a happy marriage.  The truth is that you can avoid many things that would normally make your relationship suffer by being aware and kind.  Are you afraid of not knowing how to have a happy marriage?

Here are three things to do to help you have a happy marriage:

  1. Reinforce to your spouse on a regular and consistent basis that they are worthy of your immense love and they are the center of your world.  Marriage is a large commitment and part of how to have a happy marriage is centered in complimenting your partner.
  2. Understand that sometimes the secret to how to have a happy marriage lies in those things on the side of your head, your ears.  Sometimes your spouse just wants you to listen and if you do that then your spouse will feel heard and validated.
  3. The most ignored principle to how to have a happy marriage is the idea of having a “state of the relationship” discussion every now and then.  Ask yourselves how you are doing and what you can do to make your relationship better for the long term. How do you make your relationship a priority? What do you want from your relationship?

    What are some things that you do every day to have a happy relationship? What does this relationship mean to YOU?  Where do you want to be in 5 years as a couple? What can you celebrate today that you have accomplished as a couple? What motivates you to have a happy marriage? What can you say today to your spouse to create  a happy marriage?

    Marriage Do's

    Happily Ever After

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