Dr Oz and Wife Lisa’s 5 Tips For Lasting Love

Friday March 17, 2017 By admin

Dr. Oz: 5 Tips for Lasting Love, Health, and Happiness

We take a peek at the private lives of Dr. Oz and his wife Lisa.

The handsome 51-year-old Dr. Mehmet Oz—bestselling author, TV personality, and renowned heart surgeon—struts into the studio for his SHAPE cover shoot and greets his wife, Lisa, 48, a mother of four and herself the author of a bestseller, with a kiss and a tight squeeze. The spark of excitement between them is palpable even after 26 years together. “I’ve always thought Lisa was sexy,” says Dr. Oz. “I brag about her all the time. “

They even “met cute” in a charming spin on an old-fashioned arranged marriage. Their parents introduced them when Lisa was in college and Mehmet was attending medical school. They dated for six months before deciding to tie the knot, and got married two and a half years later.

If, like us, you’re asking, “Can this marriage really be so storybook perfect?” Lisa sets the record straight. “No relationship is flawless,” she says. “But if you’re committed and willing to put the work in, it can thrive.” Despite a quick courtship, two over-the-top busy careers, and four energetic kids, the Ozes remain stronger than ever, which means they have plenty to teach the rest of us about how to keep a marriage humming—not to mention healthy. So whether you’re looking for love, starting the first blush of a romance, or in it for the long-term, their time-tested advice will help you build a better partnership.

1. Focus on the Positive

Lisa is the first to admit that the yellow brick road in the land of Oz has had its bumps. “We’re pretty much like any other couple,” she says. “We fight—a lot—and there are times when we’re bored with each other.” Her solution? Remember what you love about your spouse, not what irritates you. “Whenever he’s doing something that’s driving me crazy, I think about one of his traits I absolutely adore,” she says. “For example, I’m insatiable when it comes to being with him, so my main complaint is that we never have enough time together. The positive side of that is I love how open and available he is to other people who need him.”2. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

“Still, it’s important to remember that no matter how much you want to be with each other, you can’t satisfy all of your partner’s needs,” says Dr. Oz. For years I wanted Mehmet to work less and play with me more,” says Lisa. After initially blaming him for her own boredom, it finally dawned on her that she had to create her own bliss. “I’ve come to realize you can’t sit around and wait for the other person to do the things you want to do. If you want him to be more romantic, be more romantic yourself. In other words, light your own damn candles!”

3. Share Your Passions

Living a healthy lifestyle was something the couple bonded over from the get-go. A vegetarian since she was 15, Lisa incorporates brightly colored, plant-based foods into every meal she makes. “I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful chef,” says Dr. Oz, who eats fish and poultry when he’s away from home. “Lisa makes the food playful and tasty.” She also introduced her husband to trainer Joel Harper, who works with them together and individually. To get their four kids—Daphne, Arabella, Zoe, and Oliver—excited about exercise when at a young age, the family invented the Oz Olympics, which highlighted each of their abilities. “Some were better at throwing balls, some were faster at running,” says Lisa. “So Mehmet developed game-like competitions where each child could win a medal. That’s how we spent many evenings when they were little.”

4. Show Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T

No matter how head over heels you are in the beginning of your courtship, eventually you’re going to discover that relationships are hard work. “You’re super-attentive and sweet to each other at first,” says Lisa. “But after a few years, it’s easy to forget to say things like ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’ Sometimes you’re nicer to a complete stranger than you are to your spouse!” Empathy and thoughtfulness are key to getting through tough times together, says Dr. Oz. “It’s difficult to love someone you don’t respect, which is hard to remember when you’re having an argument. Lisa knows how to push my buttons. She doesn’t do it on purpose, but it happens. Then we fight and make up.”

5. Get Physical

And that’s where the sex comes in. “My prescription for sex…” Dr. Oz begins, “…is to have it as often as possible!” finishes Lisa, laughing. The Ozes strongly believe in keeping the home fires burning brightly. In fact, says Lisa, “that’s a perfect metaphor. It’s much harder to reignite a flame once it’s dead. You have to make intimacy a regular part of your life.” So how often does the doctor recommend a couple get busy? “Two to three times a week,” he says. (Lisa says six, but who’s counting?) Besides the pleasure factor, says Dr. Oz, “sex helps you live longer. It’s been scientifically proven that twice a week equals three more years of life.” ’Nuff said!

Couples Can Avoid Relationship Problems With Partnership Review

Wednesday October 7, 2015 By Debbie

A Performance Review May Be Good for Your Marriage

A formal evaluation can help a couple set goals, affirm what works and avoid entrenched conflict . . .

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN – Featured in the Wall Street Journal

Getting your annual performance review from your boss can be awkward and irritating. Can you imagine getting one from your spouse?

A growing number of marriage therapists and relationship researchers recommend that spouses and romantic partners complete periodic performance reviews. Couples typically wait too long to go to therapy for help, they say. By taking time to regularly evaluate and review their relationship together, partners can recognize what is and isn’t working—and identify goals for improvement—long before problems become entrenched and irresolvable.

“It’s the relationship equivalent of the six-month dental checkup,” says James Cordova,professor of psychology and director of the Center for Couples and Family Research at Clark University, in Worcester, Mass.

This isn’t an exercise to be taken lightly. Couples have to be careful, and constructive, when sharing their assessments. Fairness is crucial. And for couples in a relationship crisis, a performance review is unlikely to help.

Print and complete your own WSJ Marriage Performance Review

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Research shows that regular checkups improve relationships. In a study published in Sept., 2014, in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Dr. Cordova and his colleagues gave 216 married couples questionnaires asking them to assess the biggest strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. Half the couples then saw a therapist for a checkup of two sessions to go over their evaluations and brainstorm a plan to address their concerns. The other half were told they were on a waiting list and didn’t discuss their assessments in a checkup.

The researchers, who followed up with the couples after one and two years, found those who had performed the checkup saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction, intimacy and feelings of acceptance by their partner, as well as a decrease in depressive symptoms, compared with the couples in the control group who didn’t perform a checkup. In addition, the couples who had the most problems in their marriage before the checkup saw the most improvement.

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, relationship coaches, psychologists and authors of multiple books on marriage, who have been married 34 years and live in Ojai, Calif., schedule informal discussions with each other every Tuesday and Thursday, where they talk about problems or conflicts that have arisen in the past few days. In one recent discussion, Dr. Hendricks told his wife he has been feeling “left out” because she has been traveling so much for work lately, and she assured him that her schedule was going to lighten up soon.

“It gives us a safe, sure place to talk about our emotions,” says his wife, also Dr. Hendricks, who is 67.

The spouses sit down for a more formal marriage review once every few months, but they are careful to focus on the relationship and not cast blame. They ask themselves, “How are we doing working together as a partnership?” and discuss areas where they need to improves. They examine their top three goals—for example, “working together as a team for our children,” “working together toward financial goals” or “being together so we both have a great sexual experience.” And they talk about how they can make their differences work for them. “It’s like taking the pulse of the relationship,” says Dr. Hendricks the husband, 70.

Dr. Cordova says while men often resist marriage therapy, they tend to appreciate marriage reviews, because they focus on a couple’s strengths and goals, as well as solving problems without blame.

But how do you review your marriage?

Remember that this is the person you love, and don’t be too critical. “You can’t approach it as you would a subordinate you supervise at work,” says Shannon Battle, a marriage and family therapist in Fayetteville, NC. “You can’t fire your spouse. This is ‘til death do us part.’ ”

Multiple research studies on people’s reactions to performance reviews show that when people feel they have been treated unjustly, they become hostile, But when they feel they have been treated fairly and respectfully, they accept the message of the review.

Rebecca Chory, a professor at Frostburg State University’s business school, in Maryland, who studies reactions to negative feedback, has identified six strategies for giving an effective performance review:

Address the behavior, not the person. Couch your comments with affirmation. “Do not put down your partner,” Dr. Chory says. She recommends saying, “I love you and want to be with you, but there are these behaviors…” or “When you did this, I felt this…”

Explain why you came to your conclusion. What contributed to your assessment? Provide a rationale.

Show that you are aware of the other person’s situation. Is your partner stressed, overworked, sick? Acknowledge the challenges he or she has been facing and how they may have contributed to the behavior you don’t like.

Be consistent over time. This doesn’t mean you can nag. But you should never criticize your spouse for something one time and laugh it off another. “A person needs to know what to expect, the rules of the game” says Dr. Chory.

Allow the other person to respond and provide input. The review should be a conversation, not a lecture. And a lot of misunderstandings can be cleared up when people talk openly.

Be clear about what you would like to change. What can be done to improve the situation?

As for the review itself, Dr. Cordova says you should always begin by identifying your strengths as a couple. “It is the positive foundation that keeps a relationship happy and healthy in the long run,” he says.

Then move on to discussing your concerns—but limit yourself to one or two. “You don’t want to kitchen-sink the thing,” Dr. Cordova says. And you don’t need to come up with a solution right away. Aim to understand your partner and to have your partner understand you.

If the review makes your relationship worse, or causes a lot of arguing, you may need relationship counseling. “If you are doing it well, you can tell because you will feel closer to each other and will each feel understood,” Dr. Cordova says.

Closing The Gaps In Your Marriage

Thursday September 24, 2015 By Debbie

How To Protect Your Relationship When You’re Drifting Apart

by Laura Silverstein

Sometimes we feel like we’re rushing through life so fast that we’re missing out. You try to prioritize exercise and meditation, but self-care is often the first thing to go when the chaos rises.

Trying to keep all the balls in the air can mean you aren’t seeing what’s right in front of your face. You and your partner might be drifting apart. Here’s what you need to know to bridge distance:

1. Chances are, this is just a phase.

You won’t always be so busy. Someday, if all goes according to plan, you’ll be sitting next to your partner, smiling about the life you have built together.

2. Long-term love is an extraordinary gift.

This security is tremendous, and not to be taken for granted. A person who celebrates how awesome you are and doesn’t leave you when you mess up is something to be treasured.

3. A relationship can die without a single slammed door or raised voice.

Even when there is no cheating, no screaming, no irreconcilable differences, relationships can end. It happens slowly, subtly, and silently. Distance left unaddressed is a leading cause of separation.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman’s research identified eight predictors of divorce. Many of these predictors are symptoms you would expect, like poor conflict management and a high degree of negativity. Of the eight predictors, emotional distancing is the hardest to recognize.

4. There are warning signs. You just have to know what they are.

These include the absence of affection, humor, curiosity, excitement, and empathy in daily interactions.

If you have a huge fight with your partner, it’d be strange for both of you not to notice. Those conflicts are usually addressed. It is much more difficult, however, to recognize that the two of you have been holding hands less frequently or having fewer interesting conversations.

Example: Your partner asks you a question when you’re in the middle of something. You let him know now isn’t a good time, and you both move on with the day, leaving no one hurt or offended. But when attempts at connection are pushed away over and over again, people naturally reach out less and less, and eventually stop altogether.

5. The solution is simple and can be carried out in as few as six seconds each day.

In couples therapy I often tell my patients that I cannot teach them to love one another. But I can teach them how to nourish the love that they already have. You don’t have to hire a babysitter or plan a vacation. As few as six seconds at a time can make an immense difference over the long term.

To stay emotionally close, intersperse tiny moments of connection into your lives every single day. Simply put: Reach out warmly to your partner on a regular basis and respond with warmth when your partner reaches out to you.

Here are a few ways you might do this:

You kiss your partner goodbye every day on the way to work. It becomes a habit, and you stop paying attention. Instead, slow down, enjoy the kiss, and recognize that you are kissing someone you’re in love with — not your Great-Aunt Lulu. Gottman recommends kissing hello and goodbye for six solid seconds.
You’re rushing out to meet friends for dinner, giving instructions to the babysitter, and your partner tells you how nice you look. Switch gears for a second or two. Make eye contact, and say, “Thank you.” If you want appreciation, appreciate it when you get it.
You’re finally in bed with your favorite book, enjoying the peace and quiet. Your partner climbs into bed next to you. Be willing to put your book down for a moment and say, “Hey, I’m totally wiped but so glad you’re home!” Acknowledge that you’re pleased to see your partner before you return to reading.

These tiny energy expenditures will invigorate your relationship exponentially.

When running a long-distance race, it’s essential to drink water before you get thirsty. Similarly, you need to nourish your relationship before you feel that it’s been drained. This will make you feel better, giving you that additional boost you got when your relationship first started, and a reminder that you are loved.

You have shared your heart with an amazing person. Stay close to him or her even when life is turbulent, so you’re still together when it isn’t.

Make Fun A Part Of Your Marriage

Friday September 18, 2015 By Debbie

Bring The Fun Side of Your Marriage Back To Life

Research has found that people are happier when they have more FUN in their lives. Studies have also found that the happiest couples report that they are happy because they have a lot of fun together.

How much fun do you have in your life? Do you make it a priority to be playful, positive and have fun? With your spouse?

Research by Dr John Gottman has found that couples are more happy in their relationships if they have the magic ratio of 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions.

For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate, caring or fun interactions to counter balance it. As we all know, conflict is inevitable in long term relationships.

We just need to be careful to not allow the conflicts to erode relationship satisfaction.

It is so important that couples prioritize their relationships.
We need to know that we are there for each other and we matter.
We also need to know that we can still enjoy each other’s company over the years.

In a New York Times article: “Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples” studies found that just spending time together is not enough for relationship satisfaction. Brain and behavior scientists report that ideally couples need to spend time together around novel and different experiences. “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine-which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love”.

In an experiment comparing 1) Couples spending 90 minutes per week doing pleasant and familiar activities 2) Couples spending 90 minutes on “exciting” activities that they did not typically do like plays, concerts, hiking and dancing 3) No particular activity, the findings were interesting.

Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction. Be sure to use this as a way of protecting your fun and romantic times from conflict. If you go on a date with your partner, and one of you brings up an area of conflict, we recommend that you “Protect your fun time from conflict”. Discuss this approach ahead of time. When one of you starts an argument, the other can remind, “Let’s protect our fun time from conflict”. Agree to discuss the issue or problem in the morning over breakfast.

Then take advantage of the opportunity to go out and just enjoy each other’s company. We have known many couples who have ruined Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries and Birthdays because they allowed themselves to indulge in an argument or problem focused conversation.

In the beginning of a relationship, you likely had many opportunities to fully enjoy each other’s company. We suggest you recreate those possibilities -No matter how long you have been together.

How important is FUN in your relationships? What do you do for fun together? Strive to make fun a part of your marriage. There are many ways of making FUN be a bigger priority in your life.

Marriage: Resolving The Conflicts

Friday September 18, 2015 By Debbie

Working Through The Arguments As A Married Couple

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

~William James

Conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships. As human beings, we are primed to respond to stress when our coping gets low, with a “fight” or “flight” response. Fight or Flight can actually keep us from reolving the real issue. Finding a way to address conflict that is direct and assertive, while also respectful and diplomatic can open up communication instead of shutting it down completely.

Some people fear conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, which can backfire and lead to emotional, relational and medical problems.

If handled effectively, conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change.

It is also an opportunity to see your spouse’s perception of a situation. And an opportunity to share your perception too.

Try useing the following strategies to work through the arguments as a married couple:

Pause & get grounded. If you feel caught off guard or your feathers get ruffled, it’s best to take a moment to regroup before having a knee-jerk reaction you might regret later. Breathe deeply (in through your nose, down to your stomach and out through your mouth) to calm yourself. Stretching is another good way to quickly release tension and feel better. Check in with your body and recognize if there are any physical discomforts that are exacerbating your emotional agitation (i.e. hunger, fatigue, etc.) Recognize that your emotions may be inflamed by just being tired or hungry. Table the topic for another time. Revisit the topic in a day or two when you are grounded and are at your best.

2. Zoom out to gain perspective. Imagine you are viewing the conflict from a neutral place at a greater distance. Imagine emotionally unplugging or detaching from the situation to increase awareness. Are you really upset about the issue at hand or are you displacing your anger? For example, flipping off the driver behind you when you are actually mad at your boss about the meeting you just left. Make sure you address the appropriate person. Identify the real issue and deeper core issue that needs to be addressed. Don’t put the focus on the small annoyances. For example, don’t argue about the toilet seat being left up if you are actually mad that you are feeling lonely or unsupported. Choose your battles: let the little stuff go and avoid covering up what really matters to you.

3. Become mindful of your nonverbal communication. Because much of communication is nonverbal, be aware of your facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language to ensure you are sending the message that you want to be received. Did you know we only hear 7% of the meaning of the words that are said to us. That means we miss 93% of the meaning. We are busy formulating a response, getting hung up on one phrase, or defending our own position. Imagine if we really understood more than 50 % of the meaning and really looked at what our spouse is trying to tell us in a way where they feel heard and understood. That would also lead the way for them to reciprocate too.

4. Avoid behaviors that add fuel to the fire. Physical or verbal abuse is never acceptable. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and expert on relationships, identified four additional behaviors that should be avoided during conflict: Criticism (attacking the person’s character,) Contempt (insults and nonverbal hostility, like eye rolling,) Stonewalling (shutting down,) and Defensiveness (seeing self as victim.)

5. Reflect empathy. The ability to show you understand how the other person feels is perhaps the single most powerful communication skill. It allows the person to feel heard and diffuses conflict. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you can show you understand their feelings (i.e. “I can understand that you felt upset by that.”)

6. Take responsibility for yourself. Save everybody time by owning up to your own poor behaviors. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it demonstrates awareness and integrity and will likely expedite successful resolution. Make sincere and timely amends and apologies. Take responsibility for yourself.

7. Use assertive communication. Avoid being passive (weak in setting boundaries), aggressive (hostile or entitled) or passive-aggressive (acting out through indirect behaviors like slamming a door or not responding to an email, or not speaking to the other person for a week.) Stay in the present and don’t dredge up old issues from the past. Ask for what you need, say no to what you can’t do, and be open to negotiation and compromise. Articulate a complaint about a specific behavior and express your feelings in a way that is clear, direct and appropriate. Whenever possible, communicate directly in- person or over the phone versus email or text battles where misunderstandings breed quickly. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, “I am upset that you didn’t call today – I missed talking to you” rather than “You are inconsiderate.”

8. Be open & flexible. Listen and really hear the other person. Use your curiosity and be open to your spouse’s perspective. Ask open- ended questions to gather information that will be help you see where they are coming from.. Consider other perspectives or solutions. Look for the opportunity to collaborate and be a team. Together we can come up with what’s right for both of you.

9. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest. Author Wayne Dyer wisely said, “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.“ You can control your own behaviors and responses but you cannot control others or the outcome. You can advocate for yourself in the context of a relationship and if resolution cannot be achieved, you can empower yourself to change the boundaries of that relationship. Boundaries are for your benefit – they keep you from getting hurt. Healthy relationships have boundaries in place so each of you know where the line is instead of letting control get in the way which keeps you apart.

10. Forgive. Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Recognize that people come into our lives for a reason and even negative experiences are opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the learning experience, work towards acceptance, forgive and let go of the past and consciously choose how you want to move forward. What you hold onto will always cause a distance between the two of you. Help each other to forgive and understand each other in a deeper way.

What else do you recommend for effective conflict resolution between married couples?

How To Have Lasting Love In Marriage

Sunday July 28, 2013 By Debbie

What Makes Love Last?

Keeping the connection strong between the two of you makes love last forever . . .

There are numerous ideas about what really makes love last. Some say it is spending time together. Others say it is great communication. Still others feel that it is complete acceptance.

What I know to be true is that it takes a combination of trying new concepts and through trial and error, you find exactly what works for your relationship. If you are a person that needs space once in a while, then for you it is making sure that you share that need with your partner so they are aware that you have to be alone once in a while. If you need romance and connection, it is important to make sure that the love of your life understands what that does for you. What are your needs? Really think about this. I work with so many couples that never discuss what their needs are and it always ends up creating ongoing issues within their relationship. I can’t stress enough how important it is to know hat you need from each other.

My husband is a reader. He loves to have personal time to unwind by losing himself in a book every night. I felt left out and alone for a long time. He felt frustrated and annoyed as I would join him and try to engage in conversation. A big clue should have been the one word answers but I was trying to get my need met and missed the point about his need. The point is that this is something that he needs to center himself. For me, it is working in the yard or sitting on the sand listening to the sound the waves make as they hit the shoreline. Whether it is working out, taking a walk, listening to music, golfing, and so on, we have to make sure that our partner understands our needs. That is caring for your relationship.

Caring for your relationship is not as hard as it seems- it only took me a couple of years to figure out that I was defeating the whole purpose of my husband’s needs… you will not take that long to figure it out. I am going to teach you how to read the love of your life, to take in the clues and master your relationship.

Your relationship is a growing thing as I see it. As long as you focus on the relationship and keep it growing, it will continue to thrive. Ignore the relationship and focus on things outside of it, and it will die. If you think about it the reason that it stated to blossom and grow in the beginning is that you put your entire focus on the other person. Keep this point in the back of your mind. When you feel as if you are drifting apart, turn your attention back to the relationship and the one you love. Always ask the questions – What would love do? What can I do? How can I make our relationship grow.

What’s Happened To Your Marriage?

Wednesday February 27, 2013 By Debbie

When your marriage is in trouble . . .

Something is seriously wrong with your marriage. You are concerned because things seem to be getting worse and worse.

There is a big gap between the two of you and you don’t know what to do to help your marriage.

How are you going to admit this to people?

That feels really scary and embarrassing. You always thought it was a great marriage, the one that was destined to last forever … and now it’s feeling as if it’s over.

What went wrong? How could you have let something so wonderful just slip through your fingers without even realizing it? The truth is marriages fail for all sorts of reasons.

There are a four common relationship problem causing areas that just might have caused the love in your marriage to slip away.

Money

Especially in this economy money and marriage make things difficult. Things are just more expensive – look at the gas prices. Both partners need to be on the same page as far as money is concerned. Issues can arise when one person is a saver and the other is a spender. Any major purchases should be discussed and agreed upon prior to buying. Even daily expenditures can become a problem. Be sure you both understand where the money is coming from in your relationship and where it will go. Most importantly, have a shared vision for what you want the money you earn to do for the two of you and your marriage. Do you want a second honeymoon, a new car, a vacation home. Dream together about what you would like to have in the future and then come up with a plan to make that shared vision happen.

Communication

At the heart of money and all other issues is generally a lack of communication. Women need the words and to be listened to with a time for sharing the events of the day. men need to be appreciated and praised for all they do. Some couples don’t talk about things that bother them. Others talk, but their conversations tend to deteriorate into arguments. Another group tends to assume their partners can read their minds and should know what is at the heart of any problem. Obviously, this isn’t the case. Take time to really listen to each other. It is a safe place having each other to listen and care about what’s on each other’s minds and then carefully listen and understand – if you stop and think about it, you did this all the time in the beginning and it is one thing that makes your spouse feel they matter.

Putting the time and the effort into reaching a level of communication that involves equal parts speaking and listening, as well as a healthy dose of understanding and acceptance will bring you closer.

Selfishness

It’s about being a team – not an “I” but a “we”. Sometimes just talking about a problem isn’t enough. Every problem needs a resolution. Even the best communicators can fail at this point. If either side (or worse, both sides) refuse to budge, all the talking in the world won’t fix things. Marriage requires compromise and collaboration so you don’t feel one of you is always giving something up. Even if a couple is perfectly in synch on every issue for a long time, eventually they will run across something they don’t see eye to eye on. This is where collaboration becomes necessary. Being a “WE” and working together as a “We” will help bring you closer. You are a team and think of all your conversations as a chance to connect and be part of your spouses life. Marriage is never a bout one person. It is about the two of you. Each person matters.

Family

While it is wonderful to paint a picture of your marriage as existing in its own little bubble ( I often tell couples that I wish i could put a protective bubble around them and they would be just fine), both of you have family and friends who were a part of your life long before you met each other and will want to continue to be there in your lives forever. The importance of family and friends cannot be ignored. They can become the cohesive group of people that care about the two of you. They fulfill other roles in your life such as friendship, confidantes, or even the measure against which your relationship is compared. Remember the old saying– “you don’t just marry the person. You marry the family.” Don’t dismiss their family as unimportant. Do not try to break the bonds that exist between them. Instead, try to form your own bonds with the other person’s family. If that isn’t possible, at least try to keep your feelings about them from destroying the relationship you hold dear. No one person can be everything to you. There is always room in your heart for being loved more and you have such a capacity to love as well.

When you start to wonder what’s happened to your marriage or when you feel as if your marriage is in trouble, see where you stand on the above issues and take steps now to prevent the issues from growing and can affect and destroy your marriage. Work together as a team and bringing out the best in each other. Together you can handle whatever comes your way.

When Your Marriage Gets In A Marital Rut

Wednesday February 27, 2013 By Debbie

How to Dig Out of a Marital Rut

A client recently asked me for some marriage rut-busting tips. What should you do to get your marriage out of a rut or mundane routine?

First know that a marital rut is sometimes a good sign. It means your marriage is stable.

But stability and boredom don’t have to go hand in hand.

A rut—by definition—is a monotonous routine. Your marriage can get caught up in a rut when you go about day to day life as business as usual—having the exact same routine each and every day, being too predictable, saying the same things, asking the same questions, making the same assumptions, eating at the same restaurants, going to bed at the exact same time, and even sleeping on the same side of the bed. We fall into these routines because they are easy. When things are going well in a marriage, we tend to focus our energy elsewhere—on work, on our kids, hobbies, fitness, on friends and so forth.

When your marriage gets in a marital rut:

Reinvest in your relationship. Devote some energy every day into shaking things up. Ask questions you’ve never asked before. Suggest unusual dates, sexcapades, and social excursions. Turn your evening routine upside down. If you usually watch television, for instance, play truth or dare – or have a picnic right in your bedroom – think outside of the box to change your marital rut into an exciting marriage where you can’t wait to see each other.

Reveal more. Tell stories from your past that your spouse still doesn’t know. Throughout your day, mentally jot down “Must tell my spouse” moments. As they come up, text your spouse, “Can’t wait to tell you something later” to add an element of suspense. It takes a lifetime to know everything about your spouse and sometimes even your conversations can become too predictable. Think of something new to tell each other – something funnythat happened that day or a moment from long ago. Change your stories.

Rediscover your spouse. Many of us think we know all there is to know about the person who sleeps next to us at night. We don’t. Just as most of an iceberg is hidden from view, so is much of your spouse. Your spouse is still a mystery, and mysteries are exciting. Try to discover one new quality about your spouse every day. What are their hopes and dreams – what do they want to learn – where do they want to travel – who would they like to meet – Remember to also let them know what you appreciate most about them or what they shared throughout the week in a text, conversations, emails, etc – this will strengthen your connection and definitely help when your marriage gets in a marital rut.

Remember your exciting times. When things go stale and you get in a marital rut, amnesia sets in and we tend to forget that our relationship was ever exciting in the first place. We trick ourselves into thinking that it has always been boring, but that’s probably not true. Once a week, plan an exciting date. Do something you have never done. try new experiences together like a cooking class, do something together outdoors – even a walk can change things when your marriage gets in a marital rut. Be adventurous together. See what you can come up with.

In case it’s helpful, here are some rut-busting articles I found around the web:

5 rut-busting tips from a Cognitive Therapist

8 Rut Busters from The Nest

30 Days Back to Love from Good housekeeping

You Can Save Your Marriage

Sunday January 13, 2013 By Debbie

Simple Things Can Save Marriage

Know that you can save your marriage.

Contrary to popular belief, simple steps can save marriage. If you’re in what you consider to be a bad place in your own marriage, often you feel that there is no way to make things better.

If you and your partner have been having problems for a long time, you may feel depressed, angry, and scared.

You may even feel that you have tried everything to put the marriage back on track.

But many times it is just the day to day little changes that can bring your marriage back to a state that you are comfortable with, just as it is often the day to day changes that gradually took their toll on the marriage to make it what it is now.

When you first start out in a loving relationship, everything seems easy. You’re in love, you spend a lot of time together, you make plans and have dreams. Why is the relationship so easy then? Not only because you are in love. You can still be in love and have a problematic relationship, as you may be dealing with now. Just know that you can save your marriage. You have to look for ways to reconnect.

One reason that it is easier in the beginning is because you are more willing to compromise. Indeed, you don’t even really see anything as a compromise. If your partner likes you to do certain things, or act a certain way, you do it without even thinking about it. And you are happy to do it because it makes him or her happy.

As time goes on, though, you may start to resent those things that your partner is asking you to do. Or maybe it’s not that you resent them as much as you resent the fact that you will do things for him or her (willingly or unwillingly, but you will do them), but he or she does not return the favor. If this type of situation is affecting you and you haven’t spoken about it, now is the time.

Communication and the biggest piece of communicating is listening – can save your marriage, even if it’s about seemingly little things like this. Talk about what you would each like from each other. It doesn’t have to be big. It can be as simple as calling your spouse during the day, or saying hello right when you come in the house instead of just turning on the TV. Look for things that make your spouse feel like a priority. That definitely can save your marriage.

Start with these little things. And do them. If you think that they are little and silly, then it should be easy for you to stick to them. As time goes on, add more. Another important point to note is that you are giving the other person what he or she would like–not what you would like.

Even if you don’t understand why something is important to him or her, you need to realize that it is important and take it seriously. Simple things that can save marriage begin with what you can do right away to turn things around and get the message across to your spouse that whatever is important matters.

Simple things like this can save your marriage and allow you to create a wonderful relationship where your focus is on giving each other just what you need to feel loved.

Don’t Seek Advice From Family and Friends About Your Relationship

Wednesday December 26, 2012 By Debbie

Don’t Destroy Your Marriage

Three Vital Reasons To Not seek Relationship Advice From Your Family And Friends

There are a million pitfalls for any relationship to fall into and crumble, but don’t ever let yours be that you tried to seek advice from family and friends. Don’t seek advice from family and friends about your relationship, if it doesn’t lead to hard feelings and frustration right away it almost surely will down the road. Any kind of advice from family members should be taken with a grain of salt, because that is just how significant their opinion can be to both of you. It is also important to realize that your family and friends have a far different relationship than the dynamics of your relationship. They will only be able to give you advice coming from what they have experienced and based on their own relationship – not yours. You are the expert when it comes to what the two of you have together.

The number one reason you don’t seek advice from family and friends about your relationship is that it is all biased. Your family and friends only want what is best for you and don’t necessarily care about what is best for your partner. That is why they are so confused when you don’t do it, because you care more about your partner then they ever will. There are two people in the relationship and your family and friends are only hearing one side.

The number two reason we say don’t seek advice from family and friends about your relationship is that it will never be forgotten. Your family and friends will always remind you of the trouble you approached them with and they will never let your relationship move on to happy times. Your family and friends want to see you happy and may long forget that you ever experience happiness in the relationship.

The number three, and final, reason you don’t seek advice from family and friends about your relationship is that it is none of their business. You and your partner have the right to keep relationship matters between the two of you, do just that and nothing less! It can really tear away at the trust between the two of you if you share intimate details with your family and friends. Sometimes you just need to vent out the frustration and hurt. Just make sure that you know what is okay to be discussed with others.

Your family and friends mean well. The best advice is to think about what you need in the moment from the relationship itself. Is it patience, to be heard, compliments, affection, being made a priority, etc.

The main point is don’t seek advice from family and friends about your relationship.

Marriage As Newlyweds

Saturday November 24, 2012 By admin

Relationship Tips for Those Rocky First Few Years of Marriage

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Many couples assume that if you live together, getting married won’t really change your relationship, according to clinical psychologist Lisa Blum, PsyD, who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy. But things do change in marriage – and with these changes come potential obstacles.

Even if you haven’t shared a home prior to your marriage, you may not be prepared for the new challenges of matrimony. “These days, many couples wait a substantial amount of time before they actually get married, so the typical triggers of the redefinition of the relationship are simply there in the shadows, waiting to spring,” said psychotherapist and author Jeffrey Sumber, MA.

Why does marriage change a relationship? According to Blum, there are two reasons. For starters, being married feels different internally for couples. Secondly, people, including family and friends, treat you differently and perceive you as a unit.

According to Sumber, some partners might even panic the first year after marriage realizing that “this is now our life together so we might as well get comfortable.” This “may even lead to a power struggle to make sure our own preferences and wants are met early on and thus create a trend into the future.”

Below, Blum and Sumber share their solutions for the most common challenges newlyweds face, along with general tips for a happy and healthy marriage.

Marriage Challenges & Solutions

Challenge: Becoming a unit. Once you’re married, you become a unit legally, socially and religiously, Blum said. As you navigate becoming a unit, differences are naturally magnified. Take the example of differing political affiliations. When you get married, you might wonder what your political commitment will be as a couple and where you’ll donate your money, Blum said.

The same questions surface surrounding finances – how do we spend our money during our marriage? – and handle cultural and religious practices, she said. Even celebrating birthdays differently can become a big issue.

Families tend to be more tolerant of unmarried partners having separate plans – even if they live together, she said. But once you’re married, there’s more pressure to attend events jointly.

Solution: Unmarried couples also tend to have greater acceptance of doing things separately and differently, Blum said. But once the papers are signed, there’s the implicit expectation that you’ll do things one way, she said. “I don’t think that needs to be the case.” Marriage means “we” which is the healthy way to do it. Otherwise you could grow apart being too independent and separate.

Instead, when brainstorming solutions for your marriage, step back and discuss whether you’re OK with doing activities separately, she said. Can you find a solution that lets each of you do what you love while letting the other in? As Blum said, “Rather than an ‘either or’ solution, could it be a ‘both and’?”

One couple Blum knows attends their own church twice a month and goes to the same services once a month. She’s also seen other couples alternate years for the holidays. This gives your marriage roots.

Again, the key is to avoid the assumption that there’s one right way – even if it looks very different from how your family of origin does things, Blum said.

Challenge: Decreased intimacy. Even within months of the honeymoon, some couples see their sex life change dramatically, Sumber said.

Solution: “It is essential that couples maintain an open dialogue about their sex life well before the wedding and then maintain this conversation long into the life of the marriage,” Sumber said. For some couples the solution is to schedule intimacy nights during the week, he said.

Challenge: Doing chores. Even if you’ve lived together for a while, who does what can still become an issue when you’re legally married, Blum said. That’s because longstanding attitudes and feelings about the role of wife and husband may creep up, she said.

Solution: Rather than fighting about taking out the trash, dig deeper. Talk to your partner about what doing certain chores means to you, Blum said. When you share the meaning and history of specific tasks, it makes negotiating chores much easier, she said. For instance, some people may feel disempowered not doing the bills or knowing their financial details.

Blum gave the example of a spouse who refused to sweep or vacuum the house. To her husband this came across as stubborn, sparking arguments. It turned out that as a child, the wife was overworked and nothing was ever good enough. Part of her rebellion as an adult was not doing the floors, Blum said.

What also helps is to make a list of household tasks and divide accordingly, Blum said. But don’t forget to include the invisible responsibilities, too. One of Blum’s professors used to call the tasks that required planning, organizing and monitoring the “executive functions of the house.” For instance, this might be keeping track of the dog’s medicine or knowing when to pay the bills.

General Marriage Tips

“The more you talk, the better”, Blum said. Couples often mistakenly assume that newlyweds don’t have any issues, so they avoid talking about the frustrating areas in their relationship, Sumber said. As a result, problems just snowball. “We compound our issues over time and feel resentful that nothing has changed even though we haven’t explained our needs,” Sumber said.

That’s why communication is key. In fact, “One of the greatest practices for having a happy, healthy relationship is open, honest, and kind communication,” Sumber said. “Many people forget to be kind in the transmission of uncomfortable information like sexual challenges, annoying quirks or troubling behaviors,” he added.

Blum agreed, and noted the importance of being willing to communicate about your differences without getting defensive or aggressive. It’s important for both you and your partner to be able to articulate how you feel about a certain tradition or issue and truly listen to each other, she said.

Create your own ways. Families can sometimes refuse to be flexible and become critical or judgmental if couples are trying new or different traditions, Blum said. If that’s the case (“and other options appear contentious”), she recommended creating your own traditions. For instance, you might spend Christmas Eve at home and then visit both families the next day.

Seek counseling. If you’re stuck on an issue, see a therapist who specializes in couples. This way, you hash out the tough stuff before problems worsen and multiply. Many of Blum’s clients confess to having had serious problems for years before seeking counseling.

Also helpful is finding a list of premarital counseling topics (like this one) to discuss together, she said.

Write down your agreements for your marriage. Keep a record of your agreements on various issues, Blum said. This isn’t a contract or something written in stone, but a reference point, she said. The process of writing agreements down requires both partners to get specific about their solutions and helps them gain clarity, she said.

Have fun in your marriage. It’s important for couples to keep having fun, Sumber said. This might include regular vacations or short weekend getaways, he said. He also suggested weekly date nights, such as nice dinners, couples massages, movie nights or game nights. “Take turns organizing and planning date nights to be sure that the relationship is a priority and that fun and play remain at the center long into the life of the marriage.”

Be grateful for your marriage and especially for your spouse. Sumber reminded readers that all relationships are voluntary, and that partners are there by choice. “Someone, even someone I may not always like, is choosing to spend their days and nights with me. That’s pretty remarkable and we tend to take that for granted!”

Another key point to remember: “Relationships are work and just because we love one another doesn’t mean we are not here to challenge, trigger, grow and learn from each other,” Sumber said.

Marriage is the best relationship there is –

Marriage Trouble In Love’s Paradise?

Friday March 23, 2012 By admin

Where Can I Get Help To Save My Marriage

Feel like you’ve exhausted every option you could think up on your own and you just want to storm into some marriage counselors’ office and shout, “Help me save my marriage? Please!” Except for the shouting part, you’re actually on the right track looking for advice from some place other than your own head.

Marriage Trouble Help Can Be Found With The Following Save My Marriage Sources.

Married Friends that have a lasting marriage and made it through their marriage trouble!

If you have any friends who’ve managed to dodge an impending divorce bullet, ask them how they did it. Don’t just think about friends your age, either. Older couples can be a goldmine of advice on working through marriage trouble. They are great sources of how they got through the bumps in a marriage and came out happier and closer than when they first started out. They will also be able to be a great source of comfort and wisdom having been down the marriage trouble path before.

Even if they seem to have a perfect relationship now, you might be surprised to hear what they’ve gone through. Of course, the problem with asking friends for advice is their experience is limited to what worked for them. What worked for them won’t necessarily work for you, though but can definitely give you hope for a better marriage and knowing that it can be accomplished if you stay the course to fixing your marriage.

Online forums and marriage trouble articles!

The Internet is great place to find information on just about everything and marriage is no exception. The advantage of getting advice from forums is that you can ask questions anonymously and get opinions from a variety of people who’ll most likely have very different view points from you. The drawback is that you won’t get a truly useful response from one “help me save my marriage” post. The lack of real-time interaction means you don’t get the back-and-forth dialogue you’d need to really get to the root of your problems and find a workable solution.

Marriage Coaching!

It’s one of the first thing well meaning friends ask when you admit your marriage is on the rocks: “Have you thought of marriage counseling?” There’s good reason for that. Try marriage coaching. More effective than traditional therapy and marriage counseling. A professional, Marriage Coach is trained in resolving marital conflicts and has many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. Marriage Coaching helps get the root cause of the issues and provide the tools and skills that will change the couple’s relationship when put in place so you don’t stay stuck or repeat old destructive patterns. Marriage Coaching is proactive where I can partner with the couple to create the relationship you need.

Sometimes one spouse doesn’t want to go. Usually, that partner believes the marriage has already at a point of no return and any attempt to revive it is a waste of time and energy. If you’re partner feels that way, don’t give up just yet. While you want to avoid pressuring or begging, simple logic can work wonders. You start going and seeing what you can do to change things first. It just takes one spouse in a marriage to change to turn a marriage around and help the marriage thrive again.

Marriage Coaching can help, Let’s see if this a a great option for you. Contact me today.

Self-help books on Marriage!

If you’ve been looking online for tips, you’ve probably run into a few of those ebooks that provide guidance for working through a rough patch in a marriage even when one partner is ready to call it quits. They may not seem like much, but in reality, the best of these can be surprisingly effective.

Most of these plans were developed by highly experienced marriage counselors who found a “formula” for what works, so they usually have a success rate higher than that of most marriage counselors.

Whatever you do, don’t delude yourself into thinking the marriage trouble between you and your spouse will disappear on its own. It’s not enough to sit and wonder “Who can help me save my marriage?” You need to decide where you’re going to go for sound advice and act on that advice as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the harder your marriage problems will be to solve. The best way to turn things around is to take action now using all the marriage resources you find helpful to you and your situation.