Don’t Waste Time on He Said She Said

Friday July 9, 2010 By admin

Discover As Much As You Can About Each Other

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In working with couples, I am aware that so many times there is such a disconnect with what your partner is trying to tell you and what you really hear. Just thinking about a recent client reminds me that her definition of a word is so different from her husbands. This will create real trouble in your relationship. First of all, you will never feel that your partner understands you. Over time those misunderstandings turn in to resentment. You could begin to feel as if the entire Grand canyon has come between the two of you. Here’s a simple process to help you from becoming worlds apart.

Whenever you are trying to be heard and understood on a certain topic, ask your spouse for their thoughts on what you just said. This gives you an opportunity to explain the way you look at things again. Then ask what they got from those words. Knowing their perspective is valuable to understanding your spouse. It keeps you close and connected.

Next, recognize the opportunity to gain insight into how your spouse feels about this issue. Ask questions such as – did your family always do things that way or Gee, I never thought about that way . . . keep processing this info so that you become closer and closer to understanding and accepting one another.

No one likes to be criticized for the way they think or the perspective they have on things.

Enjoy discovering as much as you can about each other. This one tip will bring you closer and more intimate every day.

Communication and Your Relationship

Monday January 18, 2010 By admin

Sharing Each Other's Life

If you are worried about making your relationship work and you don’t know what else to do you likely just need to focus on one thing, communication. If you do not have a good amount of communication in your relationship then your relationship is likely on the brink of disaster. The aspect of communication that is likely to be missing in your relationship is actually listening. Asking questions. Getting a feel for what the love of your life is going through every day. It is important to note that the average couple communicates on average ONLY 12 minutes a day. This includes all forms of communication like texting, email, cell phones, etc. No wonder you can drift apart. You can turn this all around. Think back to the days when you talked all night long. Find a happy medium where you are listening and interested in each other’s lives every day.

What are the three main things that kill communication in a relationship?

1. Stress at work kills the communication level of a relationship because the person being stressed at work shuts down and the other person gets frustrated. Say you are getting stressed out at work and come home with the “don’t talk to me” attitude, your spouse gets angry and before you know it insults are being exchanged.

2. Infidelity, or the appearance of infidelity, is a great communication killer due to the effect it has on the pride of both partners. The person being accused of infidelity will become tired of being accused and get frustrated, while the person doing the accusing begins to feel alienated and embarrassed.

3. Disagreement over having kids will kill the communication in a relationship and make it seem as if partners are on opposite sides of the world. If you want a baby and your partner does not, it will make your communication suffer and eventually could end your relationship. Remember that your partner has a completely different perspective on a situation as you do. Don’t take offense to that . It is a different way of looking at things as you do. Open up the communication with asking about the way they look at having children, for instance, then really listen with an open heart and mind. The give back your perspective on the subject. Do not attack the way your partner looked at that subject just speak from your perspective only. Then ask what they think would be best for the two of you. Then give your input as to what would be best for the relationship. That way you have both been heard. The communication is open and the focus is on the subject not the words where you feel defensive or unheard.

What do you think?

Finding Intimacy and Connection in a Relationship

Saturday January 16, 2010 By admin

An Intimate Love

The main reason that most relationships fall apart, and a large reason that many end in infidelity, is that people lose intimacy and connection in a relationship. It is not a given that everyone will have intimacy and connection in a relationship and just because you have it now doesn’t mean that you will have it later on as the years go by.

If you fear that you are losing intimacy and connection in your relationship one of the first things that you should do is take a break. Not necessarily a break from each other, but a break from the things in your life that are keeping you distracted and disconnected. Intimacy and connection in a relationship are hard to have if you don’t have any time together.

One of the things that you will hear from those who have lost the intimacy and connection in their relationship is that they don’t really even like themselves. They begin to feel unhappy and lost and feel really unloved. They can’t quite figure out that it is what they are putting out their to their partner is a needy and negative message. Any good psychologist will tell you that it is almost impossible to have intimacy and connection in a relationship if there is not a love of one’s self from both people in the relationship.

Though it may seem like it is impossible for you to find intimacy and connection in your relationship you may just need to work on the things above to make everything change. Don’t give up on the possibility of having intimacy and connection in a relationship, with just a little time and effort you can make it happen for yourself. You can have ta very connected and intimate relationship.

How to Have a Happy Marriage

Thursday January 14, 2010 By admin

Simple Things You Can Do and Say To Have A Happy Marriage

Many people fear the institution of marriage because they believe that it takes major things to make a marriage work and they don’t know how to have a happy marriage. The truth is that you can avoid many things that would normally make your relationship suffer by being aware and kind. Are you afraid of not knowing how to have a happy marriage?

Here are three things to do to help you have a happy marriage:

Reinforce to your spouse on a regular and consistent basis that they are worthy of your immense love and they are the center of your world. Marriage is a large commitment and part of how to have a happy marriage is centered in complimenting your partner.
Understand that sometimes the secret to how to have a happy marriage lies in those things on the side of your head, your ears. Sometimes your spouse just wants you to listen and if you do that then your spouse will feel heard and validated.
The most ignored principle to how to have a happy marriage is the idea of having a “state of the relationship” discussion every now and then. Ask yourselves how you are doing and what you can do to make your relationship better for the long term. How do you make your relationship a priority? What do you want from your relationship?

What are some things that you do every day to have a happy relationship? What does this relationship mean to YOU? Where do you want to be in 5 years as a couple? What can you celebrate today that you have accomplished as a couple? What motivates you to have a happy marriage? What can you say today to your spouse to create a happy marriage?

Happily Ever After

Relationship Tip Of The Week

Monday January 11, 2010 By Debbie

Seeing Good In The One You Love

How do you stop that uncomfortable distance in your relationship? Relationships can often times seem to just dangle by a mere thread. You talk about your day to day life but underneath there are words left unsaid. You have hurt, and pain as we all do by being in the closeness and complexity of your relationships. I experience it too. As the days float by we become just like a cloud drifting away from each other. We seem to be at opposites ends of the world at times while living in the same house and sharing the same room. Here’s a Relationship Tip that will chart a new course for the two of you and create a new way of opening up. For the rest of this week, every single day, start off with something great that endears you to the one you love. Express that out loud to them before they leave for work. The night before formulate at least one great trait that you notice. Perhaps they are a great listener, really patient, kind to animals, generous, thoughtful, etc. It will come straight from your heart. At first it may seem impossible but keep running the thoughts by about all the things you feel are wrong with the one you love. Move past the negative. Keep going until you remember what endeared you to them in the first place. I know you can do it. Then as you notice they are gathering what they need to head out the door, say there is something I want you to know… I love the way you always take the time to listen to me no matter what. I really appreciate that about you. Then tell them you love them and you will see them tonight and by all means use your own words…they are your words. Keep doing this all week long with no expectation of getting something back. This is about giving to the one you love. And never start off with a great positive trait only to end with adding several negative ones at the same time. Resist the temptation. Keep it up everyday for a week and see what happens. At first they will be looking for the old pattern but keep up the good work. It is going to make a huge difference in your relationship.