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Marriage Is A Relationship Between Best Friends

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Lasting Marriage Means Keeping Our Friendship Alive
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To make a relationship last: couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes and dreams.

 Marriage Is Being Best Friends

 

Is Nagging Worse For Your Marriage Than Cheating?

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Criticism Is Harmful To Your Marriage

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By Gina Binder for YourTango.com

Is nagging really so bad? I’ve been married to a divorce lawyer for 26 years and he’s never claimed that nagging is worse for a marriage than cheating. After all, most of us seem to think of nagging as annoying, but pretty benign and harmless. And some of us feel like we’ll never get what we want unless we ask for it in 50 million ways. Yet almost a year ago, Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein made the provocative claim that nagging is a “marriage killer… more common than adultery and potentially as toxic.”

A little science supports her statement. Howard J. Markman, Professor of Psychology at the University of Denver and the Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies, spent 30 years studying conflict patterns and divorce. His team found that negative conflict patterns, consistent with nagging, attack love and jack up the risk of unhappiness and potential divorce. Markman knows something we all know: nagging is common. And therein lies its inherent danger. Your relationship is like a house in a falling rock zone: nagging frequently causes rocks to roll onto your house and chip away love, while cheating triggers an avalanche. You stay on the lookout for avalanches, but may be unaware of the long-term damage done by the frequent falling rocks.

So while nagging may actually not be worse for our marriages than cheating (falling rocks versus avalanche), maybe we need to recognize it as a genuine detriment to relationships. I can think of three important ways that persistent nagging can erode a relationship’s foundation.

First up: Communication. Let’s explore a scenario: the Nagger gets really nervous whenever Nagged One drives on long vacations. He’s more aggressive behind the wheel and that triggers her anxiety. So she reminds him of the speed limit every five minutes, and uses hand and foot signals to encourage him to slow down. With each hour, Nagger’s voice, hand, and foot signals become more emphatic, and Nagged One becomes less attentive or maybe explodes in irritation. Neither spouse feels understood, and most likely neither understands the other. Nagging hijacks empathic communication.

Second up: Connection. When was the last time you wanted to cuddle up with your spouse after being nagged — or after nagging? Usually the more one nags, the faster and farther the other runs… literally or figuratively. If you nag your wife about something on the way to a nice restaurant, an evening out may lose its sparkle before drinks are served. If the two of you are trapped in a nagging cycle, you may confuse your struggle (nagging) with your identities (two people who can’t get along). Nagging can make you lose track of who you are: two people who love each other and struggle with an ineffective communication habit. Think about changing your habit before you dream about changing your partner.

Third up: Trust. If you are the nagger, you may feel uncared for if your spouse repeatedly rejects your persistent pleas. If you are nagged, you may correctly think that your spouse does not trust you to be responsible in a particular area or in many areas. When nagging becomes entrenched, you each may feel like the other does not have your back. Trust erodes — not because Nagger and Nagged One are inherently flawed — but because each is persistently trapped in an ineffective communication pattern. What if Nagger clearly states what he/she wants and explains why, and Nagged One honestly states his/her intention and when he/she will comply? Each may need to compromise a little, but trust will begin grow. (And they can throw away their nagging labels).

So maybe nagging can’t bring home an avalanche like cheating can. But if it persists unabated in your relationship, it can become an off-the-radar marriage killer. Perhaps it’s time to take another look at this common communication pattern in our relationships.

Trusting Your Instincts Brings Happiness In Love

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Newlyweds Find That Your Instincts About Each Other Predict How Happy Your Marriage Will Be

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If you’re about to get married or thinking about getting married, you might want to listen to that little voice in the back of your head.

A new study in the journal Science of more than 100 newlyweds found that a couple’s “gut” feelings about each other — feelings they couldn’t or wouldn’t verbalize — were good predictors of how happy their marriage would be four years later — better predictors than their conscious feelings. The title: “Though They May Be Unaware, Newlyweds Implicitly Know Whether Their Marriage Will Be Satisfying.”

Of course, we all have gut feelings about our partners — and they tend to be positive or we wouldn’t be partners. But this study looked at something very specific: attitudes that are at such a deep level that we may not be aware of them, but they turn up on a kind of test that experimental psychologists have been using for years, that measures reaction times down to the millisecond.

Here’s how the study worked: Say you’re a newlywed. You sit at a keyboard with your fingers on two special keys, one labeled “good” and one labeled “bad.” And you’re told that when you see a good word — say, “awesome” — you should press the good key, and when you see a bad word — say, “awful” — press the bad key.

‘Because we want so much for it to work out, we will deny those little signals.’

After a few minutes of that, you start seeing photos of your new spouse very briefly, for just 300 milliseconds, before you see the good or bad word. The idea is that the photo of your spouse is activating your automatic attitude, and if your attitude is super-positive, then you’ll be able to press the “good” key when you see the word “awesome” even faster — but you’ll respond to the bad word, “awful,” more slowly. The study found that differences of much less than a second in those reaction times were good predictors of marital satisfaction four years later.

Of course, most newlyweds are pretty crazy about each other, consciously and unconsciously. But the question is whether their love can persist once they start facing the many challenges that real-life relationships throw at them.

The lead researcher on this study, Jim McNulty, a psychology professor at Florida State University, has a theory that these deep unconscious attitudes, if they’re highly positive, can keep couples from getting as bogged down in the negative changes that inevitably come.

And he says he now he wants to work on bolstering these deep positive emotions in order to help relationships.

“The question is, can you strengthen somebody’s automatic attitude toward their partner?” he said. “We’re interested in moving in that direction to see, because I think that kind of experimental evidence would show these automatic attitudes are really having a causal influence, and then they would also provide a potential therapeutic intervention.”

For the meanwhile, can couples contemplating marriage get hold of a test for their automatic attitudes as a precautionary measure before taking the leap?

In a word, no. Other such reaction-time tests — to measure unconscious bias and racism, for example — have been available on the Internet for years. But Jim McNulty says that it’s much too early to try to use the newlywed test at an individual level. It has too many flaws as a predictor, and could be too misleading.

I asked him what he does hope people take away from his results, and he advises — forgive the cliche but — get in touch with your feelings.

“There’s some evidence that people can access their automatic feelings, their immediate gut-level reactions,” he said. “And so if people do that and they feel that there are some doubts, I think probably the best thing to do would be to go talk to a professional, because it’s not certain that a person with doubts is going to be unhappy.”

Reasonable guidance, but for a reality check, I contacted the Gottman Institute, which offers “science-based support for couples and the professionals who help them.”

Dr. Julie Schwartz-Gottman, its president and co-founder, agrees with the study’s suggestion to trust your gut.

“A lot of times, the problems that we have in relationships are there right from the beginning,” she said. “But because we want so much for it to work out, we will deny those little signals we’re getting that something isn’t right, just push them back to the side and just focus on the positive, and that gets us in trouble.”

But how, I asked, can we tell the difference between garden-variety wedding-day jitters and a serious signal of impending badness?

“I think repetition is one of the answers,” she said. “For example, if you’re getting the same signal with a particular behavior over and over again, and you find yourself with that little voice inside you getting angrier and angrier or more and more upset, so it becomes harder and harder to push away the signal, that’s a bad sign. As opposed to something that blips on the screen and disappears. So watch out for repeated patterns of something that really annoys you — for example, if your partner tends to be critical, and you keep thinking, ‘Oh, yes, I can improve,’ but that criticism is really getting under your skin.”

And the key to long-term marital satisfaction, Dr. Gottman says, seems to lie less in some initial positive attitude — after all, aren’t most newlyweds madly in love? — and more in the process of a marriage proving itself.

“Every time we go into a committed relationship, the one question we’re asking each other is, ‘Will you be there for me?’” she said. “And in order to have that really deep positive attitude, one has to have experienced the partner being there for them in very significant ways, over and over again. It doesn’t mean the person won’t mess up at a particular time, it doesn’t mean that our partner won’t even hurt us, won’t do something pretty awful. But bottom line is that if a partner is not there for us over and over and over again, it’s impossible to sustain that deep positive feeling. So it really does take work, it takes building. Nobody comes to a relationship with a permanently positive smile fixed on their face.”

Readers, which rings more true to you, the “Science” findings on initial attitudes or Dr. Gottman’s description of marriage as a process? What is your experience?

A bit on the Science study’s nuts and bolts, from the press release:

How To Move Your Marriage Forward

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3 Ways You Are Stuck (And How To Get Un-Stuck)

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You want to save your marriage.  But it feels like you are “stuck in the muck.”  You can’t get moving.

It may feel like paralysis — nothing will move.  It may feel like frustration — pushing against something, but with no progress.  It may feel like the engine is revving, but you are stuck in neutral.

In the end, all amount to the same situation:  no movement, no change.

Why is that?  Why are you stuck?

I would suggest there are 3 reasons:

  1. You don’t know what to do.  Or,
  2. You don’t know how to do it. Or,
  3. You are scared to do it!

The first 2 are all about gaining knowledge, gaining understanding.  The 3rd is simply choosing to let go of the fear.

Don’t let the feeling of fear keep you from the action of importance!

Fear is simply pointing to something important.  It is NOT a warning of what to avoid.  Don’t treat it that way.  Move through it.

Let’s talk through the 3 reasons you are stuck, and the way to get through each one. I will help you through this – Debbie Rivera

Marriage Guide To Solving Communication Problems

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 Better Communication As A Couple Leads To Great Connection

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When there’s a deep connection between two people, they each know what the other wants and needs. So ask yourself this question about the person in your life: Do you know what it takes to make him or her happy? Do you know what makes them feel love, satisfied, content, and a priority?

Think about minor, moment-by-moment issexperiences, sleep patterns, are they a morning person, where that person likes to eat and what kind of back rub he or she enjoys.

Additionally, think about larger matters as well: Do you know how to help your partner relieve stress? Can you get talk about deeper topics such as dreams and visions for the future?

When she’s struggling at work or with a family issue, can you help her come through the storm and find the sun again? And, just as important, does your partner know how to do this for you as well? If so, that’s another reason to believe that you’ve found “The One.”

The point is that in the beginning of our relationship it is as if we know just what to do for each other. As time goes on we get farther and farther away from those things as we evolve within our relationship. We focus on career or kids more than we focus on each other.

Based on statistics the average couple communicates 12 minutes a day and if they have kids it is a mere seven minutes – which includes all forms of communication such as texts, phone calls, etc and typically covers the logistics of scheduling and planning for day to day life. It is easy to see how that can affect a marriage.

The point is that in order to solve communication problems, you have to create what you both need from each other, keep your marriage and each other a priority, and find ways to connect and stay close to each other.

 

How Do You Make Love Last Forever

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Can you stay in love and find more love than ever before?

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If love is a woman, this is how to make her stay, forever.

1. Love her fiercely.

Connection is key, vulnerability is bravery – so create safety for her at all times –  and an open heart breaks down walls or brings back a flame that you thought was lost forever. We only get one shot at this life, this moment, and this relationship. If you’re blessed enough to find yourself waking up next to the same love over and over and over again, please don’t think of it as blandness. Choose creatively creating the love that works for you together.

If you find yourself getting too used to the monotony of your daily existence or if the routine is becoming too obscene, change something. Mix it up. Add some spice. Run off and have an adventure, even if it’s just down the road. Go and see something you’ve never seen, even if it’s just across the street. Go and do something you’ve never done, explore, be adventurous. Create new memories.

When you enter a room, let others notice that you notice her first. When you walk next to her, stop and kiss her neck for no good reason other than the fact that she is by your side. When she gets dressed in the morning, smile and appreciate that women are sexier getting dressed than they are getting undressed.

Respect her boundaries, but break down her walls. Crush her fears and free her mind. She’s yours, and it’s up to you to be hers. Be the hero she’s always wanted but never knew she needed.

Be a brazen inspiration. Be a bold revelation. Be a novel innovation. Earn her every day and appreciate her every night. Give her your heart and defend hers at all costs. Be a warrior for love armed with a quiver full of fervor, and love will forever follow you into the hunt.

“Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need.” ~Tom Robbins

2. Make her feel beautiful.

This one is pretty simple: Girls want to feel beautiful. Unfortunately, as you probably already recognize, women are bombarded each and every day with images from TV, magazines, Facebook and everywhere else in our culture trying to show them and sell them supposed beauty. They should look this way or that way. A woman has to have this color hair or that color eyes and has to be put together exactly like the images she sees of what beauty is supposed to be. Only when she wears a certain makeup or hair product or clothes or shoes, etc will she be beautiful.

That is completely false. And you as the man in her life knows what it is about her that is beautiful to you. Tell her. Convince her. Show her. Find 100 ways to let her know what you see in her. Women seem to feel that beauty comes from a bottle of makeup, or spending hours straightening her hair with or dressing up in high heels, or expensive jewels, or an overpriced dress but the truth is, you see her beauty inside and out in many ways.

Her open heart is beautiful. Her kindness is beautiful. Her vulnerability is beautiful. Her compassion, honesty, courage and confidence are the real beautiful things you love her for. 

Help her to feel beautiful – say the words, show her in your action, spend time looking at her with affection and desire.

Make your girl feel beautiful. Compliment her soul. Look her in the eyes when you tell her you love her. Hold her hand. Melt her heart. Be her beacon. When she wakes up in the morning, tell her she looks great, and when she laughs or calls you crazy (and she will), mean it when you tell her that you mean it.

Stare into her eyes until she looks away first. Let her soar, and admire her in flight. Open her eyes, heart, hopes and dreams. Write her a note that says she makes you feel lucky, leave her a voicemail that says she makes you feel blessed and make her a card that says she makes you feel beautiful.

After all, beautiful things create beautiful things. So go ahead and be beautiful together, and love will stick around to watch.

“The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.” ~ Tom Robbins

3. Make her feel safe.

Girls like being held. They like having arms wrapped around them, simultaneously holding them close and pushing the world away. They enjoy walking with someone that can connect with them, confiding in someone who cares for them and loving someone who adores them. She likes knowing that she is enough for you, that you are not looking elsewhere for replacements.

Girls want to matter, so let her feel comfortable speaking from her heart. When she does, listen. When you listen, understand (not just what is being said, but why).

When you understand, relate and remember. Become fluent in the language she speaks. Encourage her to be at her best by bringing out her best which requires you to bring your best to the table, but help her to look at things for what they are even if that means exposing the hard truths that she tries to avoid, the facts that she can no longer ignore.

Few experiences are more gratifying than EXPRESSING YOURSELF, saying something that is deep and personal and having it HEARD, RECEIVED and UNDERSTOOD by your partner.  WE ALL NEED TO BE LISTENED TO AND UNDERSTOOD. Most of us grew up without enough focused attention (or touch). GIVING YOUR FOCUSED ATTENTION is one of the kindest, most LOVING things you can do WITH and FOR your partner.

It’s up to you to make her see that, ultimately, no one else will make her happy but her – and yur listening will help her get to that place of being content with her life and herself. It’s up to you to help her help herself. Encourage her. Understand her. Earn her trust and then keep making deposits, because helping a woman feel safe empowers her to do the things that her heart tells her they need to be done. Never discount what feeling safe with you means to the woman she is and can be when she feels safe.

When she is not worried about you or not being enough, or how the two of you are doing, she is free, an uncaged bird, and freedom is a wondrous feeling. Freedom means safety, safety is liberating, and liberation leads to fearlessness. She can just be more than she ever dreamed possible and it is because you are her biggest fan and behind her believing in her all the way.

Without fear, we can focus on the things that matter, the things that set our hearts alight, the dreams that only arise when we are awake.

Catalyzed by safety, dormant ideas awaken, embolden and enliven your lives. Lead with compassion, courage and honesty, love’s three greatest gifts, help ensure that your women is as safe and as strong as possible. Why is this important? Because strong women make men strong. And strong men can make love stay.

“When two people meet and fall in love, there’s a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it’s usually too late, we’ve used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It’s hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.” ~ Tom Robbins

4.  Make her feel important.

There’s a lot going on in the world and we are always on alert.  We have to deal with jobs, laundry, stress, temptation, money, kids, family, friends and the future.

Distractions pervade. Opportunities proliferate. Obstacles present themselves. We have the internet in our pockets, a gleam in our eyes and no time on our hands. We’re often busy, occasionally stressed, and sometimes overwhelmed. We have much on our minds and to us, normal is nuts.

We have dreams and adventures ahead of us and sorrow and sacrifice behind and yet, through all of the drama and strife, the pains and the panics, the days and nights, love remains. She is there, next to you, urging you on, smiling, and wanting nothing but the best for you because she loves you, she cares about you, and she wants you to be happy.

She is your best friend, mentor and biggest fan all in one. Your life would be worse without her in it. You would miss her if she were gone. She is the best thing in your world. Don’t you ever lose sight of that, and love will have no chance to escape. You won her over by focusing on her and the magic between the two of you – don’t let life get in the way. Get back to the original plan where you let her know she was your world, is your world, and will always be your world. It takes minutes a day to let her know this. Send her a text for know reason. Bring her a rose. Complement her. Whisper in her ear. Breathe on the back of her neck. Smile at her. Look deep in those eyes for the answers. They are there.

Love is addicted to appreciation and awareness. Keep both in abundant supply and love will always be near.  When you have a relationship that encompasses understanding and acceptance, you will reach the highest level of intimacy as a couple.

“My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” ~Tom Robbins

5. Desire her and love her with a fiery passion.

Here’s the thing: Women love sex and they think about it all the time. Although they would probably never admit it, women love getting down and dirty between the sheets, fast and furious on the bathroom floor, and slow and comfortable up against a wall.

If you’re a woman, you’re probably smiling as you read this. I’m sorry, girls, but the secret is out. We know that you talk about sex with your friends, fantasize about foreplay when you’re alone, and dream about the dirty when you are bored at work. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay, in fact.

Sex is important and good for both of you. Just reaching for her hand, touching her arm, kissing her forehead can  also do wonders. Your touch can heal her heart. Don’t forget to reach for her – if she withdraws, someting has hurt her deeply but you can turn that around with your touch. So, do your best to be your best, be her lover, her friend, her confidant, her healer . . . However, don’t forget that it’s far more than just physical touch that matters: let her hear the words too – speak to her heart, softly, passionately, letting her know your inner most thoughts and help pull her closer to you in body, mind, and spirit.

Be giving, with words and touch. Be intimate, with emotions and experience. Be thoughtful, with deeds and desires. Seduce her away from her distractions. Excite her.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” ~ Tom Robbins

6.  Make her laugh.

Cyndi Lauper was right: Girls just want to have fun.

Have you ever seen a bunch of girls going absolutely buck wild on a dance floor? It’s a sensation, and fun is the feeling. Have you ever witnessed a group of girls laughing so hard that they’re snorting and crying and madly screeching right up close into each others faces? It’s a sanctuary, and fun is the preacher. Just notice how she is with her friends and you will know that she really does just want to have fun.

Life is serious and tough on us, and that’s a fact. We all know that sadness comes by to play hide and seek, sorrow randomly stops by for a drink, and occasionally, we get overwhelmed, annoyed, or infuriated. It happens. It’s unavoidable. It’s not her fault.

Being down does not make her a bad person, or a bad partner, or a pain in the ass. Being down does not make her heart any smaller or her beauty any less noticeable. Rather, being down is part of lifting up.

Help lift her up. Help make her see. Teach yourself the powerful and noble truth that here is nothing more beautiful than a smiling soul staring at you with love-filled eyes. Make her smile. Warm her heart. Be silly.

Life is far too serious to take seriously and sometimes the bravest thing you can do is laugh.

So do it, and do it often. Goof around. Be playful. Have fun. Locate your inner child and give him a high five. Find some grass and do some somersaults. Enjoy the ride and love will sit next to you, its head on your shoulder, smiling all the while, for where there is laughter, there is love.

“But do we know how to make love stay? I can’t even think about it. The best I can do is play it day by day.” ~ Tom Robbins

 How do you make love stay?

New Year’s Resolutions For Your Marriage

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7 Relationship Resolutions Worth Keeping

Invest in what matters in your marriage for the New Year

By:  Kory Floyd, Ph.D. in Affectionado
alt="7 Relationship Resolutions Worth Keeping"At a time when many of us resolve to lose weight, save more money, and live a more disciplined life in the new year, it is helpful to take stock of what’s most important to many of us: our relationships. You can improve your own relationship in the coming year by taking a page from the playbook of relationship science.
Here are some Relationship Resolutions that may prove helpful in your own life:

1. Play together. There is science behind the adage that “Couples who play together, stay together.” In a series of ingenious experiments, psychologist Art Aron and his colleagues have shown that couples who share exciting, exhilarating activities together—such as going rock climbing or riding roller coasters—experience an increase in their sense of closeness and relationship satisfaction. Not just any activity will do, though; it’s important that couples play in ways that are physically arousing, according to Aron.

2. Crack more jokes. People in many satisfied relationships point to humor as a key to their longevity. Humor benefits both individuals and relationships by helping to relieve stress, defusing tension that might otherwise lead to conflict, and even allowing people to bring up topics that would be difficult to discuss otherwise.

3. Learn to listen. Listening is a skill at which almost all of us overestimate our ability. More than just hearing what another person is saying, listening involves investing the energy to understand and remember another person’s message and then to respond to that message in an appropriate and effective way. That’s tougher than it sounds—but because listening is a skill, it can be improved through practice.

4. Say you love each other more often. This resolution comes from my own lab, where we find that both receiving and expressing messages of affection improves the health of close relationships—as well as the health of the individuals in them. If you’re already an affectionate person, step up your game in the new year…and if you generally shy away from affection, resolve to express affection to someone at least once a day, in a way that feels comfortable to you.

5. Find a faith. Research tells us that couples who are active in a religious faith are more satisfied and more committed to their relationship than couples who are not, irrespective of which religious tradition they follow. If a faith life appeals to you, consider establishing or renewing bonds with a faith community. If religion isn’t for you, consider a commitment to a cause that matters to you, such as rescuing abandoned animals or helping people displaced by natural disasters. The content and focus of your commitment are less important than the fact that you engage your commitment together.

6. Put away the cell phone. Communication technology is a boon for maintaining social relationships, but it can interfere with intimate ones. New research shows that even the presence of a cell phone during a face-to-face conversation—even if it’s never touched—reduces people’s satisfaction with that conversation. It may seem innocuous simply to lay your phone on the table while talking to your partner, but its visible presence can send the message that your attention could be diverted from your partner at any moment.

7. Forgive. For many people, this is undoubtedly the most difficult Relationship Resolution on the list. In close relationships, however, we sometimes hurt each other, whether intentionally or accidentally. Resolve to let go of the hurt that others have caused you. Holding onto disappointments and transgressions only hurts you and your relationship more, so learn to forgive. Forgiveness won’t happen instantaneously when the calendar switches to 2014…but it’s a process you can resolve to begin.

Not all of these Relationship Resolutions will help every person or every relationship, so pick and choose the ones most relevant to you, and add others. In the long run, what you do is probably less important than the fact that you direct energy and attention to your relationship in the first place. Doing so will help you make the new year a happy and prosperous one.

The Woman In Your Life Is A Reflection Of Your Love

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How Brad Pitt Took Action When His Relationship With Angelina Jolie Started Unraveling

“I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon … But then I decided to act on it” – Brad Pitt writes in a sweet love letter to Angelina Jolie

 The woman in your life is a reflection of your love!

alt="The Woman In Your Life Is A Reflection Of Your Love"“My wife got sick.  She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds in her 35 years.
She got very skinny, and was constantly crying.
She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs.She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. 
Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon…But then I decided to act on it. 
After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders.I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.“           

– Brad Pittalt="The Woman In Your Life Is A Reflection Of Your Love"

You can turn things around in your relationship too – take action now no matter what she says. Show her you love her in a 1000 different ways. If you get, stuck, let me know and I will help you.

The Marriage Connection

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15 Simple Rules For The Best Marriage Connection

Rescuing women and men from the quicksand of difficult relationships.

by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

15 Simple RuIes for a Remarkable Couple Relationship

Coupling up is complicated. The rules for making it work are not.
 
The natural course of marriage is downstream, unless you are intentional about paddling against the current.  Even the best marriages will get stuck in too much distance or too much intensity and blame.

Be the one to change first. While it takes two to couple up, it takes only one to make things a whole lot better. Here are 15 essential tips from Marriage Rules: A Manual for The Married and The Coupled Up.

1. Warm things up. Make at least two positive comments every day to your partner and speak to the specifics about what you admire (“I loved how funny you were at the party last night”). Make sure that your positive comments exceed critical ones by a healthy margin.

2. Dial down the criticism. Many folks value criticism at the early stage of a relationship, but become more allergic to it over time. Get more bite marks on your tongue, by letting all but the most important issues go by. When you have a criticism, make it in three sentences or less. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged that admired.

3. Overcome your L.D.D. (Listening Deficit Disorder). Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to your partner. Drop the defensiveness, and listen only to understand, without interrupting, correcting facts, or counter-punching. Save your defense for another conversation.

4. Be self-focused. Connect with friends and family, pursue your own interests, and be of service to others. If your primary energy isn’t directed to living your own life as well as possible, you’ll be over-focused on your partner in a worried or critical way.

5. Apologize. Offer the olive branch. You can say, “I’m sorry for my part of the problem” even if you’re secretly convinced that you’re only 28% to blame.

6. Don’t demand an apology. Don’t get into a tug of war about his failure to apologize. An entrenched non-apologizer may use a nonverbal way to try to defuse tension, reconnect after a fight, or show he’s in a new place and wants to move toward you. Accept the olive branch in whatever form it’s offered.

7. Sweat the small stuff. When you say you’ll do something, do it! Never assume that your overall contribution to the relationship compensates for failing to do what you have agreed to do, whether it’s picking up your socks or moving the boxes out of the garage by Sunday.

8. Stop the emotional pursuit. Under stress, don’t press. If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics. Focus less on your partner, and more on your own life plan. A distant partner is more likely to move toward you when he or she has breathing room and can see you taking good care of yourself.

9. Say it shorter! A distant partner may avoid conversation because it feels awful to him. Sometimes the culprit is the sheer number of sentences and the intensity in our voice. Slow down your speech, turn down the volume, and lower the intensity.

10. Know your bottom line. Be flexible in changing for your partner 84% of the time, but don’t sacrifice your core values, beliefs and priorities under relationship pressures. Your marriage will spiral downward if you have an “anything goes” policy.

11. Exit a conversation when you are on the receiving end of rude or demeaning treatment. You can say, “I’m giving myself a time out from this conversation. I’m here to listen when you can talk to me calmly and with respect.” Keep your actions congruent with these words.

12. Be a mystery. It’s comfortable and cozy when two people know absolutely everything about each other but we’re more likely to be drawn to a partner who has connections and a passion for life outside the relationship. So take a dance class, skiing lessons, or join a book group with friends. The more passion you show for life outside your marriage, the more zest you’ll find within it.

13. Make rules about technology. Agree on “time-out rules” from anything you’re prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. For example, cell phones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals and no answering land lines. No taking calls in the middle of a conversation or when people are visiting.

14. Initiate sex, even if you don’t feel like it. If you’re the distancer in bed, initiate sex once in a while even though you don’t feel like it. A long-term relationship won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re too unavailable. To decide you won’t be a physical partner because you don’t feel like it is like his deciding that there will be no more conversation because he’s not a talker. If you have a fair and good partner, there is probably something you can do that wouldn’t be too terribly difficult. (P.S. If you’re the pursuer in bed, back off.)

15. Work on relationships in your first family. Become a good questioner about family history, and observe and change your part in triangles and dysfunctional family patterns. You’ll stand on more solid ground with your partner if you navigate family-of-origin relationships with more creativity and less reactivity.

Start Small. Pick two rules from the above and stick with them. Your relationship thanks you in advance!

 

Will A Separation To Solve Your Marriage Problems?

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Can A Separation Save A Marriage?

alt="Can A Separation Save A Marriage"

In the past few days, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones announced they are separating.  Reportedly, the reason for the separation is to “take some time apart and work on themselves.”  The 13 year marriage has endured Douglas’ throat cancer and Zeta-Jones’ diagnosis of suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder.  The same report also notes that there has been no legal action. (They have now reconciled)

Which raises the question:  can a separation save a marriage?  That is a simple “yes, it can.”  The more complicated question is “will a separation save a marriage?”  The answer to that is “not necessarily.”  In fact, research shows that at least 50% of couples that separate do not make it.  They end in divorce.  Does that number look suspiciously similar to you to the number of marriages that end in the general population?

This is true for one simple reason:  separations are not a panacea, and should really be seen as a “last-ditch effort,” not a starting point.

From my experience, separations are more generally “dress rehearsals for divorce.”  A marriage, and marriage issues, must be addressed by the two people.  Being separated generally brings relief from the pain of the struggle. . . but that does not necessarily mean that any real change is taking place.  If I take my hand out of a hot stream of water, I will feel relief from getting my hand out of the heat.  That does nothing to change the temperature of that water.

Too often, a separation serves one of two purposes:

1)  It allows one person to begin the process of distancing from the other person.  In other words, it is a half-step toward divorce.

2)  It allows both people to escape the tension of their current situation, but without any resolution or change.

So, yes, a separation can be a part of a marriage finding healing, but only if it is used appropriately.

Here are some guidelines to use a separation as a way to save a marriage:

1)  Use separation in separate locations as a last option. 

Separations within a home can be a better starting point.  It can give the needed distance to stop the hurts and anxiety of a relationship crisis.

2)  Before separating, be very clear about how you will stay connected.

You may hear people say that you should have NO contact during the separation.  First, if there are children involved, this is impossible.  Second, it leads to both people building their own individual lives, at which point it becomes the dress rehearsal for divorce.

The real problem in the relationship is the disconnection.  Further disconnection does nothing to heal that, but does usually increase the disconnect.

3)  Set up regular meetings to discuss the practical issues that come out of a joined life:  schedules, finances, etc. 

Having a regular time to touch base and address those issues will lessen the anxiety for both people.

4)  Set up regular times to just be together — with NO talks about the relationship or your problems.  Just a chance to be together in a lighter mood and place.

Set up a regular lunch time, coffee time, walks, or other times to be together with little expectation.  This begins to heal the disconnect that likely led to the marital issues.

5)  Commit to yourself on how you intend to improve yourself. 

Marriages often lead to stagnation in self-growth, and a separation, if one is intentional, can be a way to begin your own growth process.  It may mean meeting with a therapist, coach, or trusted friend.

What is important during this time is to not be derailed by the hurt of the separation.  Focus on what you can control:  yourself and your direction.  Move in the direction of growth and development.  Move in the direction of connecting with your spouse, when possible.

6)  Avoid acting in spiteful, angry, reactive, or vindictive ways. 

Don’t try to teach a lesson, or try to incite a reaction.  This is not a time to make a point, but to establish an alliance and reestablish a connection.

If you choose to react in angry or vindictive ways, you are most likely to merely confirm your spouse’s reasons for needing a separation.  It will not convince your spouse to reconsider, nor will it teach your spouse any helpful lesson — other than a confirmation of the need to stay away.

7)  Resist begging, pleading, or cajoling the person into coming home. 

Once a decision has been made to separate, the separation needs to be ended by a decision to reconnect.  It should not be made under duress, shame, or guilt.

8)  Resist using the children as a bargaining chip.

Children will be the losers in this.  Children are the innocent parties that have nothing to do with your relationship, so don’t use them as a bargaining chip.  Simply put, children need access to both parents, without feeling pulled or being a part of the struggle.

9)  For a constructive separation, decide on a sensible time frame. 

Open-ended separations are difficult for both parties.  “I don’t know how long” is a tough answer on both sides.  How does a separation end?  All the issues will not be solved, so that is not the end-game.  Suddenly feeling ready to be back together is also a stretch, as there will be some reluctance to re-enter a previously conflicted space.

But having a time frame (and I suggest NO MORE THAN 3 months), then at the end of that time, you have arrived at the time to end the separation.  The separation is, then, a structured break, with a designated end.

If your spouse will not agree, then don’t allow that to be another point of struggle.  Remember, you can only control your end of the situation.

10)  Begin the separation with the end in mind.  Start with an understanding that the reason for the separation is to move beyond the problems, to secure a stronger and more connected relationship.

While I am not in favor of separations, I know they happen.  So, if a separation is unavoidable, then build it in a way that will benefit your relationship.  Don’t let a separation derail your relationship.

20 Minute Relationship Rescue Strategy

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Relationship Rescue Strategy Session

The best 20 minutes you can spend on changing your marriage that can turn things around –

you just need someone to guide you through what to do that will make an impact instead of trying things that will actually make it worse (yes, it’s possible to be worse than it is now).

When your marriage needs a different plan – one that will help your unique situation as a married couple.

alt="Relationship Rescue"

We start out in marriage excited about being together and looking forward to the future. In the beginning we just can’t spend enough time together endlessly talking.

 

Then over time it seems to be more difficult and you begin drifting apart until you feel like room mates.

No one ever sets out to fail at marriage or thinks they will ever want to give up and walk away from

Let’s come up with a plan together to turn your marriage around.

When things are going wrong in your marriage and the arguments and silence increases – it’s time to come up with a plan to turn things around.

alt="relationship rescue"

 

Call to schedule your 20 minute relationship rescue session now – left alone things will get even worse.

How To Have Lasting Love In Marriage

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alt="what makes love last"What Makes Love Last?

Keeping the connection strong between the two of you makes love last forever . . .

There are numerous ideas about what really makes love last.  Some say it is spending time together.  Others say it is great communication.  Still others feel that it is complete acceptance.

What I know to be true is that it takes a combination of trying new concepts and through trial and error, you find exactly what works for your relationship.  If you are a person that needs space once in a while, then for you it is making sure that you share that need with your partner so they are aware that you have to be alone once in a while.  If you need romance and connection, it is important to make sure that the love of your life understands what that does for you. What are your needs? Really think about this. I work with so many couples that never discuss what their needs are and it always ends up creating ongoing issues within their relationship. I can’t stress enough how important it is to know hat you need from each other.

My husband is  a reader.  He loves to have personal time to unwind by losing himself in a book every night.  I felt left out and alone for a long time.  He felt frustrated and annoyed as I would join him and try to engage in conversation.  A big clue should have been the one word answers but I was trying to get my need met and missed the point about his need. The point is that this is something that he needs to center himself. For me, it is working in the yard or sitting on the sand listening to the sound the waves make as they hit the shoreline.  Whether it is working out, taking a walk, listening to music, golfing, and so on, we have to make sure that our partner understands our needs. That is caring for your relationship.

Caring for your relationship is not as hard as it seems- it only took me a couple of years to figure out that I was defeating the whole purpose of my husband’s needs… you will not take that long to figure it out.  I am going to teach you how to read the love of your life, to take in the clues and master your relationship.

Your relationship is a growing thing as I see it. As long as you focus on the relationship and keep it growing, it will continue to thrive. Ignore the relationship and focus on things outside of it, and it will die. If you think about it the reason that it stated to blossom and grow in the beginning is that you put your entire focus on the other person. Keep this point in the back of your mind. When you feel as if you are drifting apart, turn your attention back to the relationship and the one you love. Always ask the questions – What would love do? What can I do? How can I make our relationship grow.

Marriage Intensives

Sometimes you get to a place in your marriage where you know you need help. I suggest that you consider attending a 3-Day Marriage Intensive. You willget much farther than one hour a week and be able to dig deeper into what changes can turn your marriage around. Call to discuss your situaltion today to know if a marriage intensive will help you.

Have you been betrayed by your spouses’s affair?

Any type of betrayal is devastating. Affairs are particularly painful for many reasons. You feel violtaed and hurt. Affairs cause the very foundation your marriage is built on to be shaky and the future seems very uncertain. I will help you through the devastation. Find out how - contact me today.

Couples Seminars, Workshops, and Retreats

alt-"Marriage Workshop" Couples thrive in a learning environment with other couples. Couples Workshops are delivered through half day seminars, full day workshops, and couples's weekend retreats throughout the year.
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