Bids For Connection: The Building Blocks of Emotional Connection

Our research shows that if you want to improve your relationship, work on the “bids for connection” between you.  Bids are moments (sometimes subtle) of reaching out that your partner may either respond to or turn away from.  Naturally, the more you ‘turn toward’ someone’s efforts at connecting with you, the happier you both will be.

During his research, Dr. Gottman studied couples under everyday circumstances and discovered that happy couples “bid” for connection at fairly high rates – often up to 100 times in ten minutes.  So bids are incredibly important, because they influence how the relationship will go over time.

What is a bid?  They can be verbal or non-verbal (a comment about the weather, or a silly look).  They can be highly physical or come totally from the intellect (a hug or a comment on what to have for dinner). They can be sexual or non-sexual.  The key is that a bid is an attempt to create connection between two people. Its function is to keep the relationship going forward and in a positive direction.